


Hanging by a Thread

by Electricviolinist, Marbleeyes



Category: Holby City
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Physical Abuse, Romance, Slow Build, Threats of Violence, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-03-30 02:37:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13940811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Electricviolinist/pseuds/Electricviolinist, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marbleeyes/pseuds/Marbleeyes
Summary: Isaac’s abuse of Dom is never properly discovered, which means the destructive relationship continues without intervention. With Dom at his lowest, it seems there will be no end to the cycle of abuse he has found himself trapped in. That’s until a certain nurse, Ben ‘Lofty’ Chiltern transfers to Keller from AAU and changes the way Dom thinks about the whole world around him.





	1. Lettuce and Donuts

Today is Tuesday; Isaac likes to eat fish on a Tuesday, with new potatoes and steamed vegetables. Dom knows this because Dom knows the consequences of what happens when he doesn't provide that exact meal. Last time it had resulted in a number of yellow bruises that were nicely hidden underneath his scrubs. Isaac had gotten clever with his punches since Zosia had started to suspect things last year. He now knew where to hit Dom so it wouldn't leave a visible mark or cause him to wince in a way that indicated something was wrong. Under Dom's scrubs was a warzone of cuts, bruises and broken bones. Nobody was allowed to know though, because Isaac said it was their secret and each mark showed how in love they were.

The whole relationship was messed up, but messed up could be good. That's what Dom kept telling himself. Not many people knew a love as passionate and as fiery as theirs. Yes he'd lost Zosia along the way and was on his final written warning at work, but he would always have Isaac. Sometimes he caught Sacha looking at him with something akin to pity and worry, but it didn't matter what he thought. And it didn't matter what Hanssen thought either; Dom was sick of the private chats with tea they kept taking him on; it always caused more trouble in the long run because Isaac didn't like it when it happened. The last time Sacha had just stared at him with what Dom was sure were tears in his eyes and hadn't said anything. Of course a few hours later Dom had cried real tears when Isaac had broken another one of his ribs for sneaking off like that.

As Dom walked onto the ward he ignored the ache in his ribs. He couldn't remember the last time his body didn't hurt with some kind of ailment and he should be used to it by now. If Isaac knew he would call him weak.

"Ah, Dom," said Sacha, standing next to Isaac and a curly haired man that Dom didn't recognise. "Just in time, I was just about to introduce everyone to Lofty; he's transferred up from AAU."

Isaac sneered at the sight of the nurse. "It looks like they let anyone in down there nowadays."

Dom looked at the man, Lofty. He was taken aback by how beautiful he was, in an understated way. Lofty had wild curly hair that looked like a bird's nest compared to Isaac's immaculately groomed style. But it was the man’s kind, doe-like eyes that locked with Dom's that made his breath catch in his chest. Nobody had looked at him in that way for a long time. Lofty's face lit up with a friendly smile, and Dom forced himself to avert his eyes to the floor before he allowed himself to smile back.

"Lofty is a very experienced nurse," stated Sacha, in a passive aggressive tone he only reserved for Isaac. "He comes very highly recommended from downstairs and the ED department."

Isaac let out a noise, which signified he didn't quite believe that. "I would have thought someone of that status would have perhaps made more of an effort with their appearance on their first day."

When Dom peaked at Lofty, he saw the smile wasn't budging from his face. It seemed he had an invisible shield that Isaac's cruelty couldn't penetrate.

"Oh, the hair," said Lofty, politely. "I know it's a bit messy, but I can't stand my ears, they look a bit pointy and elf like when I cut it short." He made pointy shapes with his hands and held them up to his ears.

Dom couldn't help but let out a snort. Both Isaac and Sacha turned and looked at him in shock.

*

Lunch was leafy salad with skinless roast chicken. Dom really fancied a doughnut. Essie had brought in a box and put them in full view on the table. He’d moved them to the side, out of sight out of mind, but the old adage wasn’t working while faced with such boring healthy food. But the last time they’d had sex, Isaac had taken a hold of some flesh on Dom’s belly and said called him the Michelin man. They’d both laughed. It was only a joke.

Isaac placed a perfunctory kiss on Dom’s head. “That new nurse is a liability,” he said instead of hello. “He walked into a trolley, and he keeps dropping the files. I give him a week.”

“He seems OK,” said Dom, unthinkingly. Lofty had been nice, and seemed to just be able to get patients to like him. Even grumpy ones. Even scared ones. It was an impressive skill, really, to be able to put people so at ease at some of the most difficult times in their lives. Lots of nurses had it, but Lofty seemed to be able to do it all without even trying.

Isaac looked at him sharply. He raised an eyebrow, face hard, eyes impenetrable. “He’s pretty,” he said.

Dom focused on his food. “I didn’t notice,” he said, carefully careless. He put chicken in his mouth. It was tasteless and dry and hard to chew.

“Dominic,” said Isaac, “We’ve talked about this before.”

Dom nodded.

“We can look at other men, Dominic,” said Isaac. “I don’t mind if you think he’s attractive.”

“I don’t,” Dom protested, swallowing his dry chicken uncomfortably.

“You can sleep with him if you like,” said Isaac, and he put a small piece of chicken in his own mouth, smiling while he chewed it.

Dom looked away. Maybe he shouldn’t even eat the chicken. He grabbed the water bottle.

“Do you want to?” Isaac asked.

“No!” Dom protested. “I… I mean…”

Isaac smiled, but it was just a movement of the muscles in his mouth. It had no relation to his emotions. “Look at you, all worried,” he said, “I told you, I’m not jealous.”

Dom had lost track of whether he wanted Isaac to be jealous or not.

“He’s straight, anyway,” he said. “Obviously.”

Isaac didn’t reply. He took Dom’s half full plate. “Have you finished?” he said, already on his way to the bin.

“Sure,” said Dom.

“Well, tidy up, then,” Isaac scolded, “You’re like a teenager.”

“Sorry,” said Dom, standing and hurrying to wash up the plate.

He filled the sink with hot water and squirted in washing up liquid. He grabbed a cloth, and Isaac put strong arms around his waist.

“You know I love you, don’t you?” Isaac whispered in his ear.

Dom turned his face to him and smiled. Isaac caught his lips with a kiss, and while Dom submitted to the kiss, Isaac slipped his hand under Dom’s top.

“Sorry,” said a new voice, making Dom pull back. Isaac kept hold though, as Lofty hesitated in the doorway, “I just had a mug to wash up…” the nurse added, awkwardly, “I can come back…”

“Oh, Dom’ll do it for you,” said Isaac, hands still around Dom’s waist.

“Oh… uh…” Lofty didn’t know what to say. He was looking at Dom, clearly aware it wasn’t Dom that made the offer.

“Sure,” said Dom. He didn’t mind; it was only a mug. “Hand it over.”

“Well, thanks,” said Lofty, with a perfect smile, not over stated, but just right. “Everyone here’s been so nice.”

He stepped forwards, mug in hand, but Isaac didn’t move back, never moved his arms from inappropriately tight around Dom’s torso. Lofty seemed to avoid him, and stood almost too far away for Dom to take the cup.

“We’re going for drinks after work,” said Isaac.

Dom flinched. He had a huge project that needed writing up. Isaac knew that.

“Sounds great,” said Lofty, some of his smile returning.

Isaac left precisely the right amount of time to make Dom squirm before he said, as though doing someone a huge favour, “You can come if you like.”

Lofty’s smile flickered, like a torch losing its battery power, momentarily confused by Isaac’s unkindness. Dom turned back to the washing up.

“Well, thanks,” Lofty said, quickly, obviously assuming he’d misunderstood, “Shall I ask Mr Levvy?”

Dom smiled. Sacha had flinched every time Lofty said his name, and asked Lofty to call him Sacha.

“I’m sure Mr Levy will be there,” said Isaac, emphasising the correct pronunciation with a sneer.

“Great,” said Lofty, not noticing the correction or the sneer. “See you there.”

He smiled again, and left.

Isaac let go of Dom. “What an idiot,” he said.

The door hadn’t quite closed. It was unlikely Lofty hadn’t heard. Dom focused on the washing up.

*

Isaac finished his shift at 5:00pm, which gave Dom three hours without him. Three hours where a piece of Dom managed to relax a little without Isaac's eyes constantly on his back. Although he felt less like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming car, he knew somewhere in Holby Isaac would be having sex with a man he’d met on the internet a few hours previously. The betrayal stung, even though it had happened so many times now that Dom had lost count.

With a sigh, Dom shifted his attention back to his paperwork. He felt so hungry that the words were beginning to blur and weren't making much sense to him. He thought about the dry salad sitting at the bottom of the bin in the break room, knowing if it was in front of him now he'd consume the dry chicken like he was a ravenous animal.

Dom was suddenly started from his thoughts by a plate being placed down in front of him, containing a delicious, ringed donut with pink icing and sprinkles on top.

"I thought you could do with a pick me up," said Lofty's kind voice.

Dom turned and once again felt as if all the air had been sucked out of his lungs when his eyes met Lofty's. As Lofty looked at Dom his eyebrows scrunched together and Dom found himself overtaken by the urge to kiss away the crease lines where his eyebrows almost met. He forced himself to look away, as looking at Lofty was like being forced into a room full of sunlight after living years in the dark.

"No thanks," said Dom, as he pushed the plate away from himself.

"It's just..." said Lofty, shifting from foot to foot. “You’ve barely eaten all day and I noticed earlier you looked a bit pale and I just thought maybe it was your blood sugar levels."

Again Dom looked at the donut and his stomach let out a loud grumble.

"If you don't like donuts," continued Lofty, seeming to be in a full awkward ramble. "I could go down to the canteen and get you a sandwich, it's no bother. In fact I'd be really happy to do it."

"I'm on a diet," replied Dom, trying to indicate with his voice that he wanted Lofty to leave him alone.

Lofty ran a hand through his hair. "Diet? Why are you on a diet? You don't need to be on a diet. You're just right the way you are and anyone who says otherwise needs their head testing or something."

At that response, Dom finally looked at him again and narrowed his eyes. "What's your game?"

"S-sorry?" asked Lofty, taken aback.

Dom crossed his arms, pretty sure hostility was pouring out of him in waves. "Did Hanssen send you? Or was it Sacha trying to meddle again?"

"I don't..."

"Because whatever you're trying to do isn't going to work," stated Dom. "Whatever they've told you about my relationship is a lie. I'm happy with Isaac. I love Isaac. And nothing you or anyone else thinks is going to change that."

Lofty was now looking at Dom with big and sad eyes. "It's just a donut."

Dom watched as Lofty slipped away from the nurse's station and back to his patients, his usual smile was now a thin line. Isaac had been making small digs at Lofty all day and nothing had seemed to penetrate the nurse's armour, but it seemed a few harsh words from Dom had hurt him. And Dom didn't quite know how he felt about that. In anger he grabbed the plate and chucked the donut into the bin. Maybe it was just a donut, but Dom couldn't risk finding out its meaning either way.

*

Dom stepped into Albie's and scanned the room, relaxing a little when he realised that Isaac wasn't there yet. He went to the bar, wanting to order a pint but instead settled for an orange juice. For a few minutes he stood at the bar by himself, not sure where he should go. Sacha was with Essie, Raf, Lofty and Fletch in the corner; but Dom felt a little awkward going over there after how he'd spoken to Lofty. Plus Isaac would not appreciate it if he walked in and found Sacha in the middle of one of his 'what makes a healthy relationship' speeches.

A gentle hand on his arm alerted Dom to the fact that Morven was standing next to him, a glass of wine in her hand.

"I haven't seen you in here for a while," she stated softly, eyes full of warmth.

"I've been busy," Dom lied.

Morven makes a noise, like she's trying to stop herself from saying something she shouldn't. "We missed you at Zosia's leaving drinks."

Her words are like a punch to the gut, which hurts more than Isaac's fists ever could.

"I didn't think she'd appreciate me there," said Dom, the second lie easier than the first. He had tried to go to Zosia's leaving drinks, but Isaac had stopped him before he'd managed to leave the flat. It had been an intense beating, and Dom had woken up on the floor dazed and confused hours after the drinks had finished. He'd spent the night in the bathroom crying out in pain and vomiting up blood. Dom had left her a silent voice mail the next day, knowing deep down the damage wasn't repairable anymore. And that was the last time either of them had tried to make contact with each other.

"I hope you've been nice to Lofty," said Morven, glancing over to Sacha's table. "He takes a bit of getting used to, but underneath that klutzy exterior he's a really good nurse."

Dom noticed the Lofty was curiously watching the two of them. "He tried to force feed me a donut earlier."

"Yeah, he's a feeder too," said Morven, fondly.

Lofty had finally noticed the two doctors were looking at him, and blushed. He turned quickly back to Fletch and in the process caused his pint to go sailing across the table. There was a flurry of movement, as everyone stood up in an attempt to avoid being showered with beer. Lofty was now frantically apologising as he dabbed at the table with napkins. Once again Dom felt a soft chuckle escape his chest.

"Sometimes," said Morven, in a voice oddly vulnerable. "I wish Arthur was here. He'd know what to do or say to you. He'd hate how things were left with you and Zosia and how withdrawn you've become."

Dom swallowed hard, trying to push Arthur out of his mind, knowing exactly what he'd say about Isaac. He was saved by an arm possessively snaking its way round his waist.

“Morven, you know Dominic gets upset when you talk about Arthur,” Isaac scolded, as though he were talking to a child, “I’ve told you before, I know it must be so difficult for you, but Dom is trying hard to get his life sorted and he doesn’t need you to drag him back down.”

Once upon a time, those words would have really upset Morven. Now, though, she merely gave Isaac a look of loathing. “Dominic was doing fine before you turned up,” she said, but it wasn’t true. Before Isaac turned up, Dom was a childish bitch, a mess, whose relationship were so far from stable it was a joke. Before Isaac turned up, Dom was the bastard who bullied his best friend, who lied to everyone, who picked the guy who robbed him and tried to stab him. Isaac was the only one holding Dominic together.

Isaac didn’t bother replying. He turned Dom’s face towards his with a finger on his cheek, and kissed him. Dom relaxed into the kiss, relieved that Isaac wasn’t upset about Morven’s words. He heard Morven make a frustrated noise and then walk away to sit with Raf and Fletch. He felt bad about it. Morven was his link to Arthur, like she kept a part of him alive. Her walking away upset with him stung.

“Something bothering you?” Isaac asked, wiping Dom’s cheek, making Dom wonder whether he’d had chicken crumbs there since lunchtime that no one had bothered telling him about, and turning to the bar to order a drink.

“No,” Dom assured him, warily.

“Or should that be someone?” Isaac asked, looking at the group sat at the table.

Dom followed his eyes, a protest that Morven didn’t mean any harm dying on his lips when he realised Isaac was not looking at Dr Digby. He was looking at Lofty.

“Why do you hate him?” Dom asked, thoughtlessly. As far as he could tell, Lofty was just a nice guy doing a job.

Isaac laughed. “Hate him?!” He repeated, incredulously, “honestly Dominic, the ideas that pop into that funny little head of yours. Seriously; why would I bother hating a nurse?”

Dominic didn’t reply. If Isaac didn’t hate Lofty, then why did his lip curl while he looked at the man?

“Hate him!” Isaac repeated again, shaking his head at Dom’s stupidity. “Why, do you hate him?”

“No,” said Dom.

“Well, you seem a bit obsessed, Dom,” said Isaac, his hand tightening on Dom’s hip.

Dom didn’t know how to answer. He didn’t know what Isaac wanted, so he said, “Hey, why don’t we go home, grab a bottle on the way, have a night in just you and me?”

Isaac rolled his eyes, “How old are you Dominic? Sometimes you’re behaving like a grumpy kid then other times you’re behaving like an old woman!”

Dom looked away. It was true. He couldn’t look after himself, and he was needy to the point of desperation. He wondered why Isaac even bothered with him sometimes.

Lofty was laughing so hard at one of Fletch’s jokes that beer came out if his nose. Dom laughed. He hadn’t even realised he’d started just staring at Lofty until Lofty caught his eye, flushed pink and smiled.

“But didn’t you have some paper due, Dominic?”

Isaac interrupted Dom’s thoughts.

“Er, yeah, there’s a proposal I need to...”

“Then maybe you should go,” said Isaac. “I’ll call you a cab.”

“So... we’re going home?” Dom asked, head spinning in the change of Isaac’s mind.

“Well, no need for us both to miss out is there?” Isaac said. “I’ll see you later.”

“Oh,” said Dom, uselessly.

“Night, Dominic,” said Isaac, “good luck with your presentation.”

“Proposal,” said Dom, but Isaac was already gone to call the cab. Dom stood forlornly, and watched Lofty throw peanuts into Raf’s mouth.

*

It seemed Sacha was trying to torture him. That was the only possible explanation available as to why Sacha had paired him with Lofty the next day. The nurse had followed him around the ward for the last hour, like a baby duckling following its mum. Dom had tried to ignore him at first and then shake him off with some passive aggressive comments, but the nurse was unshakable.

In the end they had finally fallen into step together as they systematically went from bed to bed seeing patients. Lofty was excellent at his job and remembered the most random things about his patients, like the fact that Mr Jarvis raced snails and Mrs Rain had an obsession with Dolly Parton. At some points he also instinctively knew what Dom was about to say and began preparing the appropriate paperwork without being asked, a sign of a nurse who knew their job inside out.

For the first time in a long time Dom found himself relaxing a little; Isaac was on a course today down in London, so it didn't matter if he stared at Lofty a little too long when he wasn't looking or that a silly giggle seemed to escape him each time the nurse did something clumsy. A part of him wanted to stay in Lofty's orbit as long as he could, absorbing as much kindness and warmth that the other man had to offer.

"What's your least favourite insect?" asked Lofty randomly, as they were sat together at the nurse’s station.

"Least favourite insect?" asked Dom, rolling his eyes a little. "I don't have a least favourite insect, because I'm not twelve."

Lofty smiled teasingly at him. "Everyone has a least favourite insect. Go on, I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours."

"Lofty," said Dom, letting out an exasperated sigh.

The nurse was still looking at him with that perfect smile fixed in place, his eyes warm and expectant.

"Fine, it's wasps," said Dom, finally giving in.

"Mine's woodlice," stated Lofty, his expression serious.

That was all it took for Dom to burst out laughing. "Woodlice?"

"I didn't laugh at yours," said Lofty, as he pouted slightly.

"I don't know anyone who has an opinion on woodlice other than you," said Dom, holding onto the desk.

Lofty shakes his head. "They have tiny little teeth and they're dead creepy looking."

Dom isn't used to laughing anymore and the sensation causes a feeling like an elastic band snapping in his ribs. One minute he's fine, laughing his head off, and the next he's crying out in pain. Before he can stop himself, he's clutching onto his ribs in agony.

"Dom?" asked Lofty, looking suddenly worried.

"I need to take a break," said Dom, not even looking at Lofty. He stood up and quickly left the Keller ward, and headed straight for the changing rooms. Once inside he slid down onto one of the benches and let out a number of dry sobs. He was in so much pain that he couldn't face going to his locker and getting some pain relief tablets his GP had discreetly subscribed him. He really needed to go home, but he was on his last warning for unexplained absences.

"Dom?" the voice far away.

Through a pain filled haze, Dom saw Lofty kneeling in front of him. He wasn't sure when the nurse had got there because the pain was burning through his side unrelentingly and he felt as if he was about to black out.

"It's okay," said Lofty, taking Dom's hands in his.

"I need..." started Dom, with gritted teeth. “In my locker, there's some pain killers."

Lofty withdrew his hand and immediately went to get them, producing a bottle of water from nowhere. With shaking hands Dom took the tablets and swallowed down so much water that it ended up spilt all over himself. Pathetic, he thought, miserably. At least Lofty would now be able to see his true colours and would leave him alone. But Lofty didn't go. Instead he sat with his arm around Dom, stroking his back in soothing circles, until the pain began to ebb away. It was nice and Dom didn't deserve nice. He wasn't used to people being kind to him anymore.

"Is it okay if I examine you?" asked Lofty quietly, as Dom pulled away from him as the pain became bearable again.

"You're here two days and already you're trying to get my clothes off," said Dom, hoping the words could shield him from Lofty's suddenly intense gaze.

"Dom," said Lofty, his voice oddly firm.

"I'm okay," said Dom, begging him with his eyes to leave it.

Lofty’s phone went off and he pulled it out of his scrubs, frowning at the screen. "I've just got to nip on the ward, Sacha is wondering where we are. I will be back in a minute."

"You don't have to come back," said Dom, feeling embarrassed and pathetic. He'd behaved like the child Isaac was always accusing him of being.

"I want to," said Lofty, squeezing his hand before standing up and heading out of the door.

The minute the door clicked closed, Dom buried his head in his hands and wonders if he should request a transfer to a different ward or finally give his notice in. Lofty came back around five minutes later, carrying a cup of tea and a sandwich. He placed both down next to Dom.

"Energy boost," said Lofty, by way of explanation.

Dom picked up the sandwich and then pulled a face, noticing it was cheese and white bread. Isaac never let him have either, and he was already counting the calories in his head.

"Please," said Lofty.

And Dom couldn't deny him, not after he'd seen him at his weakest and most vulnerable. He practically wolfed down the sandwich and devoured every last crumb. It was the most delicious thing he'd eaten in months. Dom forced himself to smile at him and Lofty returned it.

"You look a different person when you smile," said Lofty gently. "I wish you'd joined us last night at Albie's."

Dom stood up, feeling that a line was about to be crossed. "Thanks for the sandwich," he said coldly.

"Dom."

"Do me a favour," said Dom, finally strong enough for his defence barriers to lock firmly into place. "Don't try to be my friend. I don't want or need any more friends. Just forget this ever happened and leave me alone." He screwed up the sandwich wrapper and savagely hurled it at the bin on his way out and missed. He tried to ignore the glimpse he'd gotten of Lofty's hurt face on the way out. It was better that way.

*

“So,” said Sacha. He’d ordered Dom into his office. Dom had tried a number of excuses for why he couldn’t go in. Sacha hadn’t accepted any of them, and Dom couldn’t outright refuse, so he’d followed the consultant into his office, and then sat on a chair opposite Sacha with arms folded and eyes down. “So…” Sacha said again.

Dom didn’t help him out. “I got the impression this was urgent, Sacha,” he said, “I did tell you…”

“That you’ve got lots to do, yes,” said Sacha, “It’s just… is there … has…did…is…” Multiple attempts at a sentence, none quite formed. Sacha breathed in, centred himself, and finally managed. “Is there something wrong with your torso?”

Dom glowered, “No,” he said, firmly.

Sacha didn’t react. He’d been expecting Dom to lie. He didn’t believe him. “Dominic,” he said, tiredly.

Dom looked at the table.

“Dom,” Sacha tried again, “I’m so worried about you.”

“Well, don’t be,” said Dom.

“Could you watch someone do this to me and keep your nose out?” Sacha asked. “It’s too hard, Dom.”

“I’d trust you,” said Dom. “If you said you were OK, I’d trust you!”

“Even if you knew I was lying?” Sacha asked.

“I’m not lying,” Dom lied.

“Dominic, please,” said Sacha.

“Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?” Dom asked, stiffly.

“Dom....” Sacha tried again.

“I’ve got rounds,” said Dom, standing up.

Sacha sighed, exhausted. “I had a phone call from Zosia,” he said.

Dom tried to pretend he wasn’t hurt that his best friend would call the old man whose department she’d left long before she’d left the hospital but wouldn’t call him. “Ok,” he said, closing himself off from it, and standing to leave. He heard Sacha again try to stop him, to call him back, maybe he even said something else, but Dom was out on the ward already, brimming with unshed emotion. He wanted to hide again. With feigned purpose he strode to the store cupboard and went inside, shutting the door behind him.

He leaned against the wood, his forehead pressed against the cool plastic looking paint. He dug his nails into the coating, and tried to push it all out of his head. Zosia, Sacha, Isaac...Lofty.

The nurse had betrayed him, gone to Sacha, told the older doctor what he’d seen, pointed fingers and pitied Dom. He was lucky he wasn’t around, because when Dom saw him he would...

“Dom?”

Lofty was in here, in the cupboard, holding a pile of cardboard bowls. Dom gasped, embarrassed and hurt and furious.

“You interfering bastard!" Dom growled.

Lofty at least had the grace to look ashamed. It gave Dom permission to let go, to shout.

“You couldn’t keep your nose out, could you?” He pointed an accusatory finger at the nurse, “you had to run around, spreading rumours, telling lies!”

“I never lied,” Lofty protested quietly.

With shaking hands, Dom didn’t let it stop him, “You made assumptions! And then you went to Sacha and made him think I was some sort of victim...”

“I told Sacha you were hurt because he wanted you to help with Mrs Parkyn’s transfer.”

“What’s that got to do with anything?!” Dom snapped.

“Well, she’s a bit... you know...” Lofty struggled with the words. He didn’t need to finish. Mrs Parkyn was massive, and couldn’t lift herself on her two broken legs.

“I’m a professional...” Dom started to protest.

“A doctor,” said Lofty. “A surgeon, not a porter. It wasn’t your job.”

Being unable to finish his fury didn’t help Dom, “Then say that! Don’t make out I’m some... weakling!”

“Injured. Not weak.”

Dom got closer, put his face right in front of Lofty’s, and tried to use his very slight height advantage to intimidate.

“Stay out of my business,” he growled, but it came out as more of a plea than a threat. Lofty looked at him pityingly. Dom turned, to storm out again.

“There was a doctor in the ED who decided he hated me when I first started,” said Lofty. “He still invites me to Christmas.”

Dom didn’t turn. It was difficult. He had a feeling the ED doctor had never hated Lofty either.

*

Isaac was in an incredibly good mood when he returned from London. He brought back with him an expensive box of alcoholic, Belgian chocolates for Dom. As Dom held the fancy, golden box he felt Isaac's eyes on him, expectant like a cat playing with a mouse. Dom had acted as if it was the best present he'd ever been given, but didn't eat one, even though he could imagine how delicious the chocolate would taste as it melted in his mouth. That seemed to be the right thing to do and Isaac had rewarded him with his company for the rest of the evening and hadn't gone out to find someone else to sleep with.

The good mood hadn't lasted for long and the very next day Isaac was sat at the nurses’ station, scowling at the sight of Lofty playing cards with a patient. Every now and then Lofty looked over at Dom and Isaac, with a strange expression on his face. The nurse wasn't even trying to be discreet with it.

"Why does he keep staring at you?" demanded Isaac.

"I don't know," lied Dom.

Isaac's eyes lit up with what Dom could only describe as spite. "Please don't tell me you made a pass at Nurse Chiltern while I was away. Did he get all awkward and reject you like that paramedic?"

"No," said Dom, quickly. "Would it have been a problem if I had?" Sometimes he wanted something from Isaac, anything other than the punches and the feeling he was inadequate.

"No," said Isaac, his expression unreadable. "I suppose you're both of a similar mental age. But I didn't expect you to be so pathetic and desperate for attention that you would actually throw yourself at the first available nurse."

Lofty dropped the cards he was holding on the floor and bent down to pick them up; he banged his head on the bed as he did. The nurse stood up holding his head and awkwardly laughing. Dom wanted to go over there and kiss the pain away. Perhaps Isaac was right, he was needy and pathetic.

"Someone needs to remind him he's paid to do a job, even if it is a job he does poorly," said Isaac, walking straight up to Lofty without another word.

The moment Isaac got close to him, Lofty shrank away, as if he were physically repulsed by the other man's presence. The smile on the nurse's face was stretched thinly, as he reluctantly followed Isaac up the ward to do the afternoon rounds.  
Ten minutes later, Lofty rushed passed the nurses’ station with his head down and went straight into the locker room, Dom checked Isaac wasn't around before he followed him. He found Lofty by his locker, frowning and taping away at his phone.

"Are you okay?" asked Dom.

Lofty jumped a little and shoved his phone into his scrubs pocket, when he saw it was Dom he didn't look any more relaxed.

"Isaac can be a bit intense when you first meet him," stated Dom.

Lofty let out a laugh, but it wasn't a humorous laugh. It was if he couldn't quite believe what Dom was saying to him. "Intense isn't what I'd call him," stated Lofty, for the first time sounding the opposite of his usual cheerful self.

Dom crossed his arms. "If you've got something to say, say it."

Lofty's eyes met Dom's and he felt a jolt of electricity, an unexplained connection.

The nurse mirrored him by crossing his own arms, it seemed Dom was beginning to rile him, well as much as Lofty could be riled. "I don't think you want to hear it."

"No, go on," said Dom, challenging him. He never challenged Isaac anymore, because he knew no matter what he did that Isaac would always win. It felt different with Lofty, like it was a new game that neither of them knew the rules of yet.

"Did he come onto you?" asked Dom. "Because don't flatter yourself or think you're special, Lofty. We have an open relationship and he's free to sleep with who he wants, just like I am. It's just sex."

Lofty's cheeks flushed pink. "And you're okay with that?"

Dom shrugged his shoulders. He definitely wasn't, but he couldn't give Lofty any more reasons to feel sorry for him.

"He came onto me Dom, and when I said no he offered me a three-some with you!" exclaimed Lofty.

He forced himself not to react, and glared at one of the unoccupied lockers. "And what? A man comes onto you and you have a little heterosexual freak out? Grow up, Lofty."

Lofty opened and closed his mouth. "The fact Isaac is a man didn't bother me. But the fact he's meant to be with and love you did."

"It's the twenty-first century," stated Dom, his voice cold, "get used to it. Nobody else has your Victorian mind-set any more. This isn't some Jane Austen novel."

"You deserve better," said Lofty quietly, looking surprised at his own words. "Why can't you see that?"

"I don't deserve anything!" said Dom, feeling tears welling up behind his eyes. "I'm broken and no-one can fix me. And Isaac sees me for who I really am and accepts it and that's all I can ask for."

"No, it's not," said Lofty, his eyes full of sadness.

Lofty was looking at Dom the way Arthur used to; as if there was something more to him, something special that could be nurtured like a plant to bloom into something beautiful, like a flower. Dom couldn't stand it. It made his skin crawl and he needed it to stop.

And suddenly how to make it stop came to him. He quickly stepped forwards and grabbed both sides of Lofty's face with his hands, and pulled him into a kiss. The kiss was meant to be rough and quick, just enough to scare the other man away for good, but it didn't work out that way. When Dom had kissed Lofty, he had never expected the other man to kiss him back.

The kiss was gentle, tentative and sweet. And Dom couldn't pull away. It made him feel special and warmed his insides. He felt as if he was awake after years of hibernation and it terrified him. Isaac had never kissed him like this, even at the beginning.

The thought of Isaac had the same effect as a bucket of ice-cold water being thrown over him. Dom yanked himself away from Lofty and they both stood there, staring at each other, breathing heavily with matching expressions of shock.

It was then Dom turned and fled.


	2. Melon and Paninis

Stupid, stupid, stupid. It had been stupid to kiss Lofty. Dom had been trying to show the nurse what a prude he was, how stupid it was to think in those hetero-normative terms, to think of relationships as rigid and possessive. He’d been trying to show Lofty that sex was sex, and it didn’t have to mean anything, that just because Isaac slept with other people didn’t mean he didn’t love Dom, that Dom could kiss other people and it could mean nothing.

He’d done the opposite. He should have seen it coming. Lofty had slipped past his defences somehow, and he already meant something to him. He was light and joy and beauty. He was already invading Dom’s mind, without even trying. There was no way Dom was going to withstand a kiss.

“Dom,” Sacha greeted, “good. We’ve had to move Mrs Stone up the list to the next open slot. I was hoping you’d assist...”

Mrs Stone needed multiple operations. Her medical needs were complex and fascinating. Dom should be ready to bite his own arm off to assist with an operation like hers. He should be jumping at the bit.

“I... I just need ten minutes...” he said, stupidly. 

Sacha frowned; sad, concerned, disappointed, “Dominic, you need to impress... your...”

“Yes, I know... just...” Dom struggled, “ten minutes.”

“Dom,” Sacha called after him, but the older man didn’t try to follow as Dom went to find a new place to hide.

Isaac found him shortly after, back in the store cupboard, immensely pleased Lofty wasn’t in there this time.

“Hey, you,” Isaac said, kindly. He put a warm, gentle hand on Dom’s shoulder, and once again, Dom got that flood of hope, that this was it, that Isaac was going to be kind to him like this for the rest of their lives. “Sacha said you seemed upset.”

Dom stiffened. If Sacha had shown his suspicions, again, then Isaac would blame Dom, again. 

“He seemed worried,” Isaac continued, “he thinks you’re going to mess up.”

Dom didn’t answer. He’d already messed up. His entire life was his own mess up.

Isaac didn’t need him to say anything, as he added, “He took great pains to remind me that you’re on your last warning.”

Something nasty crawled inside Dom’s stomach. His last warning. The career to which he’d dedicated more than a decade of his life was hanging precariously, teetering on the edge of a cliff, ready to fall away from him.

“It’s okay, Dom,” said Isaac, warm hand migrating to Dom’s cheek. “It’s okay.”

Dom’s breathing wasn’t working properly. It was like there was a great lump of slime, in his throat, and nothing could get past it.

“It’s for the best,” said Isaac. “You were never cut out for this job, not really. And it’s not like we need the money.”

Suddenly the breathing wasn’t the problem. That picture was wrong. Alone in Isaac’s flat all day. He couldn’t. It would kill him.

And Lofty had said he was worth better.

Isaac misread him. “I’d look after you,” he said, with a smile, playing with the hair above Dom’s ear, “you could be a gentleman of …”

Dom stood up. “I’ve got to go,” he said, urgently, and ran out of the store room, ignoring Isaac calling his name. He spotted Sacha talking to Lofty, maybe describing the surgery to him.

“Sorry,” Dom called, “Sorry, I’m here.”

“Dom,” Sacha looked surprised.

“Mrs Stone?” Dom said.

“Yes,” said Sacha, “I was worried we were going to have to transfer her to … but it doesn’t matter if you’re ready.” He looked worried, “Are you? Ready?”

“Definitely,” said Dom. “Definitely.”

* 

He performed the surgery. Sacha praised him for his skill, for his attention to detail, for spotting potential problems before they happened, but he only had eyes for the way Lofty looked at him. He dared to hope that Lofty was impressed, that when he saw Dom in theatre he saw that he was a good doctor, that he cared and was skilled and professional, and that maybe he’d see him as something more. Maybe he wanted to prove Lofty right. He was worth more, and this was why. He was an excellent doctor, and one day he’d be an excellent registrar, and then an excellent consultant. He needed Lofty to know that. It mattered that Lofty knew that.

Lofty smiled at him. Dom left theatre walking on air. This was what he did. He was a doctor. It mattered, it was real and he was good at it. He took the next three days off. He needed them to wait for the swelling to go down on his face.

*

Dom was savagely stabbing at a piece of Honeydew melon when Lofty stuck his head into the break room, a look of uncertainty on his face.  Dom had always hated melon and found it flavourless, so for once was happy for the distraction. 

"I'm going down to Pulses," said Lofty, a hopeful look on his face. "Want to come?" 

He sighed and placed down his fork. "I don't think that's a good idea." 

Lofty frowned and stepped into the room, he pushed shut the door behind him so they wouldn't be overheard. "Is this about the other day? Because forget about it, I already have. I mean I’ve not made myself forget about it because it was bad or anything it’s just…" 

Dom shoved the Tupperware that contained the offensive melon away from him. "We can't be friends, Lofty." 

"Why?" 

The question surprised Dom, as nobody really openly challenged his way of thinking anymore. He didn't have an answer he could say out loud. How could he explain that Isaac wouldn't like it or that Lofty made him feel special and safe? Something he hadn't felt since Arthur had died. 

"We just can't," said Dom. 

"Well, I don't agree," said Lofty, as if everything was that simple. "Listen, I'm sorry we kissed. Well I'm sorry and I'm not sorry. But I shouldn't have let you do it, you're vulnerable and it wasn't fair to you." 

"It was just a kiss," lied Dom, but he knew it was more than that to him. 

Lofty smiled shyly. "It was a nice kiss." 

Dom let out a sigh and finally placed the lid back onto his Tupperware. "Fine, I will come down to Pulses with you as long as we stop talking about this." 

Lofty's face lit up with a smile. "Brilliant. I'll pay and you can have what you want." 

"I'm on a diet," said Dom, but he knew he'd already lost the battle. 

Ten minutes later he was sat in Pulses with a cheese Panini in front of him, oozing with cheese and a hot chocolate covered with cream and marshmallows.  He took a bite and let out a groan of pleasure; it tasted so good. Dom couldn't remember the last time he'd let himself have food like this, but it was probably just before Zosia left for America. 

"I knew you didn't really enjoy that rabbit food you bring to work," said Lofty, happily tucking into his own bacon sandwich. "That melon today looked like slime, I half expected it to slide out of the box and come after me." 

Dom cocked an eyebrow. "Come after you?" 

"Didn't you have nightmares about slime monsters when you were a kid?" asked Lofty, his face open and honest. 

Dom began to laugh between bites, as he wondered how someone like Lofty could exist in the dark world that he seemed to inhabit lately. 

"My mum collects bears," said Dom. "I once dreamed they'd formed some kind of teddy bear army and were chasing me around the caravan park where we used to have all our holidays." 

Lofty burst out laughing. 

Dom elbowed him, laughing himself. "What? It's no worse than slime monster dreams!" 

A shadow fell over Dom and he instinctively flinched, as he expected it to be Isaac. It wasn't. It was Hanssen, watching the two of them with an odd gleam in his eye. Dom had forgotten the man's old habit of looming over him like a vampire at the worst possible moments. 

"Mr Copeland," Hanssen greeted Dom. "Nurse Chiltern." 

Lofty sprang to attention and his phone flew off the table and onto the floor. The nurse dived onto the floor to get it, his cheeks flushed. 

"Please," said Hanssen. "Don't be interrupted by my presence. It was just nice to see Mr Copeland here looking so happy and well. I trust you are settling into your new role at Keller, Nurse Chiltern?" 

"Yes," said Lofty, full of nervous energy. "Everyone has been really nice." 

"Mr Levy runs a tight ship," stated Hanssen. "And I heard positive things about the surgery you performed a few days ago, Mr Copeland." 

The old Dom would have flushed with pleasure, but this Dom knew a clock was above his head counting down to the end of his career. How did anyone come back from being on their final written warning? 

"He was amazing," said Lofty, flushed with pride. "And he's fantastic with his patients too." 

Hanssen looked happy with that response. "Very high praise indeed. Now if you'll excuse me, I see a chocolate chip muffin over there with my name on it." He swept over to the counter, reviewing the board above him with fascination. 

"I used to think he was a vampire," whispered Dom. "Until I saw him in direct sunlight."

Lofty let out little laugh. "You're terrible." The nurse grabbed a napkin off the table and gently began to rub at Dom's face. "Grease," he said as way of explanation. 

Dom wanted to catch his hand with his own and hold it to his cheek, but he didn't because that would be crossing yet another line and he was beginning to lose count of how many of those lines he'd crossed with Lofty. 

"Are you wearing make up?" asked Lofty, the soft expression on his face turned to a frown. 

"No," lied Dom and he pushed Lofty's hand away. He hoped the bruise on his cheek hadn't been exposed, as there was only so many times he could lie with the old cliché about walking into a door. 

The good mood between the two of them seemed to be lost in that instance and it wasn't long after that until the two of them silently headed back up to Keller together. Lofty watched him the whole time with a concerned and worried expression on his face. 

* 

"Drinks!" said Sasha at the nurse’s station as everyone was getting ready to leave. 

"Can't," replied Dom. 

"You say that every time," stated Essie. "I'm sure Isaac can spare you for at least one drink tonight." 

Dom shrugged. Isaac was most likely at some seedy party, picking a man to sleep with and taking god knows what. The drug taking never bothered Dom, as much as the cheating. Whenever Isaac came home under the influence of something, he wasn't in the mood to beat Dom and it usually gave him a reprieve. 

"Please, Dom," said Lofty, fixing him with his best puppy-dog eyes. 

How the hell was Dom meant to say no to that? The nurse was becoming like his Kryptonite. 

"Alright." 

Lofty was delighted by his response and put his arms around Dom, and pulled him into a quick hug. Dom was pretty sure he was blushing when the nurse pulled away and he saw that Essie and Sasha were curiously watching the two of them. 

*

Dom was crying with laughter. The alcohol probably helped, but mostly it was Lofty. Lofty being charming and silly and clumsy and everything perfect. Sacha and Essie were there too, fuelling the fun, and at some point the AAU team had turned up, too, but Lofty was the centre of Dom’s world. He was simply beautiful. His gentle smile, his silly hair, his sparkling eyes, and maybe not all the tears were laughter.

Maybe they were tears for what could have been. If Dom could have just met Lofty and loved Lofty first. This could have been normal; drinks with friends, paninis, smiles, laughter, joy. He could have taken Lofty to Lapland, and Lofty would have loved it. They could have visited his Mum, who would love Lofty and not shy away from him. He could torment Lofty with woodlice and then make it up to him with soft little kisses and cuddles and Lofty would smile at him like that all the time.

He knew it wasn’t true. Before Isaac, before Arthur died, Dom was a different person, nasty and materialistic and manipulative and dishonest. Lofty would not have liked that Dom. Lofty would have thought that Dom was an idiot, because he was. That Dom would have looked at Lofty and thought about getting him in to bed, maybe, but it would never have occurred to that Dom how perfect Lofty was.

Lofty tried to flip a beermat. Fletch and Raf were having a competition, and both had it down to a fine art. Lofty nearly knocked the table over. The whole group fell about laughing.

“This looks cosy,” Isaac greeted.

He was behind Dom, so close. Dom had never not noticed him before. He shuddered, the smile falling from his face at the speed of light, then looked up to check the faces of the people around. The whole group would have seen it. They were all looking at him.

The silence dragged on. The horrid, stiff, ice cold silence that Isaac’s poisonous presence had brought. If Dom had been better, maybe he could have met Lofty before he met Isaac. This was karma, for Malik, for Kyle, for Lee, for the way he treated Arthur. He’d met Isaac first because Isaac was who he deserved. Isaac was the only fit for someone as cruel as Dom. Poison for poison.

He stood. “Sorry,” he said, “I thought you were out.”

Isaac leaned in, kissed him on the cheek. “I’ve been waiting for you,” he said. “I’d made you dinner. It took me hours.”

“Sorry,” Dom repeated.

“Dom!” It was Lofty. He’d stood up, and ignored Isaac, was looking at Dom with those eyes again.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Dom told him. It wasn’t true. He probably wouldn’t be in again for a few days now.

“Stay,” said Lofty. “Please, Dom, stay.”

Isaac stepped, forcefully, in between them, “Is there something you want to say, Nurse Chiltern?”

Lofty’s sweet smile was gone. His face was intense and sad. He didn’t want to look at Isaac, though Isaac was looming before him, unavoidable. He wanted to look at Dom, to plead with Dom.

“I’ll thank you to keep your nose out of my relationship, Nurse Chiltern,” Isaac growled. “If I see you sniffing around my boyfriend again, I will report you for sexual harassment.”

Lofty finally took his eyes off Dom and looked at the registrar, startled. “ _You’ll_ accuse _me_ of _sexual harassment_?” he repeated.

“You heard me,” said Isaac, “And so did everyone else. They can all see you slobbering after him like a horny dog.”

“After you asked me to sleep with you, multiple times, you’re going to accuse me of sexual harassment?” Lofty asked, more surprised than offended, it seemed.

Isaac surged forward. The whole group flinched, shocked. They all knew or suspected what Isaac did to Dom, but not one had ever witnessed so much as a harsh word. But Isaac didn’t resort to violence, he didn’t even clench his hands into fists. He lowered his voice, and narrowed his eyes. “How dare you spread vicious lies about me?” he growled.

Lofty didn’t back down. “We all know it’s not a lie,” he said.

“You don’t have a single witness,” Isaac pointed out, “Whereas you following Dom around? Everyone has seen that.”

“He’s my friend,” Lofty said, but he was losing his courage in the face of Isaac’s continued angry attention, the harsh gaze, the power.

“No, he’s not,” said Isaac. “He’s a doctor who happens to work on the same ward as you. You mean nothing to him. Leave him alone.”

Isaac turned, pulling Dom with him, out of the bar. Dom heard Lofty say his name twice more, but just because Lofty didn’t seem to be taking Isaac’s threat seriously, didn’t mean Dom didn’t. If Dom didn’t stop the nurse’s attentions, Isaac would report him. He could get Lofty sacked, or at the very least transferred. And Dom couldn’t bear that.

He took Isaac’s hand. “I’m sorry,” he said, hurriedly, earnestly. “It’s my fault. I should have pushed him away when he first tried to be friends but… but I was an idiot. He didn’t do anything wrong; it was all my fault.”

Isaac squeezed the hand holding his, then intensified his grip until Dom grunted. “Oh, I know whose fault it is,” he said. “You’re just too stupid to understand the rules. I fuck other men, but you have to fall for them.”

Dom shook his head, “I haven’t fallen for him!” he protested, “I couldn’t! Isaac, I love you.”

Isaac stopped walking and looked at him. “Well, I never doubted that,” he said. “Should I?”

“Of course not!” Dom cried. “I’m so lucky to have you in my life! I know I am…”

“But you like that messy, clumsy, idiot Chiltern, too?”

“No,” Dom lied.

“Then why is it that every time I turn around you’re with him?” Isaac pressed.

“I’m not,” Dom protested.

They’d reached Isaac’s car. Isaac’s grip on Dom’s hand hadn’t relaxed. He turned fully to Dom. “Oh, Dominic,” he sighed, sadly, and used his other hand to stroke Dom’s face. “It’s okay. Really. Everything’s going to be okay. You just need some time off.”

Dom shook his head. That was the last thing he wanted. He needed to work. He needed to help people, to cure people, to learn and to teach and to treat people. He needed to see the curly haired nurse who made him smile, who made his heart beat a little faster, who made him feel alive in a way that he hadn’t for so long.

Isaac stroked a hand through his hair. “Just some time alone, you need to rest, and let me take care of you.”

“I can’t take more time off,” said Dom, “I’m on a warning for unexplained absences.”

“It’s okay, we can get you a medical leave,” said Isaac.

Dom shook his head again. Isaac was looking at him, face so blank but eyes so intense, burning. The registrar opened the door of the car. Dom went to get inside, but Isaac still held his hand.

Dom made eye contact with Isaac, pleading, knowing something terrible was about to happen, but feeling powerless to fight it.

“I’ll always look after you, Dominic,” said Isaac. “I do what I do for you. To keep you safe and protected and to keep us together.”

Dom shook his head again, tears pooling in his eyes, stinging and trying to drop. “Isaac, please…”

Isaac moved his hand to grasp Dom’s wrist, then forced it into the doorway of the car.

Dom closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to watch Isaac slam the door on his hand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marble Eyes:   
> Thank you for reading and to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. 
> 
> I have a weird head canon that in Holby itself Hanssen was the one who purposefully made sure Lofty was hired for Keller, as they'd met when he was in Casualty. Sacha always said Lofty came recommended and was being especially nice to him...and I always wondered if this all came from Hanssen - that he thought Sacha would be the ideal person to bring Lofty back into the fold and that Dom/Lofty could help each other heal. Just a random note in celebration of Hanssen and his appearance in this chapter :)


	3. Pizza and Broccoli

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reference to Casualty episodes: Fatal Error Part One and Two

The waiting room at the ED was packed. Every seat was taken, but Isaac had managed to find one for Dom at the end of a line, and stood protectively next to him. Dom’s hand was the wrong colour. He didn’t want to look.

“This department,” Isaac sneered. “It’s a national disgrace.”

“They’re doing the best they can,” said Dom, quietly.

“This is where Chiltern’s glowing references come from?” said Isaac with distaste. “Obviously if someone here can walk and talk at the same time they get a recommendation.”

“Then we’ll just write a referral for an x-ray ourselves,” said Dom, “we don’t need to be here. We can just go home.”

“We have to go through the proper channels,” said Isaac. “Get you signed off work for a while. Don’t want anyone suggesting foul play.”

Dom didn’t reply.

They waited uncomfortably for hours. Just like everyone else. The chairs were cold metal, and Isaac spent most of the time standing stiffly like a prison guard. His hand on Dom’s shoulder, that came and went, could have been comfort, could have been restraint. Eventually, when Dom’s bum had gone numb and his head ached with the need for sleep, a nurse ushered them through.

The doctor looked critically at Dom’s hand, asked how he could move it, where the pain was, what had happened. Isaac answered the last one. The doctor noticed. She looked at them with sharp eyes.

“Well, I’ll send you for an x-ray, but I’m hopeful it’s not broken.”

“Not broken?” Dom repeated.

“Just fractured?” Isaac asked.

“Well, we’ll have to get an X-ray to check,” the doctor said. “Nurse Miller will take you down.”

A large redheaded woman hurried them off towards the radiology department. She was nice, chirpy, and asked them about what they did. She got everything out of them.

“Oh, Keller!” she chirped, "My mate’s just started working there. Do you know him? His name’s Lofty.”

Neither Isaac nor Dom needed her to say who. Dom’s heart fluttered just at the name, and his eyes flew to Isaac whose lip twitched.

The nurse looked at them, surprised by their sudden silence. “Did I say something wrong?” she asked.

“No,” said Isaac.

“So, you need to wait here,” the nurse said to Isaac.

Isaac was obviously about to complain, but decided against it. He stepped close into Dom’s space.

“I’ll be right here,” he said, quietly. “You’ll be back with me in no time.” He kissed Dom’s forehead, and gently stroked the damaged hand. Dom worked hard not to flinch. “See you in a bit,” Isaac added.

Dom nodded.

He followed the nurse. She asked him about what he’d done to his wrist. He stumbled through the same story Isaac had told the doctor and the receptionist.

*

Two weeks off work was better than six, Dom kept telling himself. If the bones had been broken it would have been six. And it could have been worse than that. This was nothing, really.

Isaac held him all night, a strong arm around his waist as they slept. Dom pressed close to his lover’s side. It was a comfort to have the warm body so near and the evidence of Isaac’s love in that tight embrace.

The hand was swollen and bruised. He might need some physio-therapy but it wasn’t permanent. Dom remembered Isaac’s face at the news, the way he’d hardly reacted, except for a tiny crease in his forehead.

“So he’ll be just fine,” he’d said.

“If he were anything other than a surgeon, I’d probably say get back to work,” the Doctor had replied. “An injury like that to the non-dominant hand won’t slow him down for long.”

“Well, that is good news,” had been Isaac’s response. His face had not said the same.

In the morning, Isaac made him breakfast. It was fresh fruit, yoghurt and fruit juice.  They ate it at the kitchen table, Dom hiding his damaged hand beneath the table, while Isaac had talked about what Dom could do while he was home all day. Dominic thought about a day spent cleaning and doing laundry. He imagined what he would have done before, if he’d had two weeks’ unexpected leave when Arthur was alive.

Isaac left at his usual time, placing a kiss on Dom’s forehead. Dom had watched him go. He’d offered Isaac a lift, but his damaged hand couldn’t have worked the gear stick, so he’d had to withdraw the offer. Isaac had scorned him for offering.

Day time telly was awful. Shiny people talking inanely about soaps and fashion and houses, never ending houses. He was ready to throw the remote at the screen when a knock on the door saved him from hours more of it.

He considered not answering; hiding away was an appealing idea, but the idea of only seeing Isaac for two weeks was the opposite. Even if it was just a salesman, talking to someone would be good.

He opened the door. His face formed a grin without permission from his brain.

“Lofty!” he said.

The nurse bit his lip. “I hope you don’t mind,” he said, shyly, “Sacha said you were off for two weeks?”

Dom nodded.

“I just thought I’d see if you were alright,” Lofty continued, looking Dom up and down. “Are you?”

Dom nodded again, “I shut my hand in a door,” he said, “it’s fine.”

“You shut your hand in a door?” Lofty asked, slightly emphasising the ‘you’.

Dom shrugged, “It was an accident,” he said.

Lofty looked at his hand. “And my mate Robyn said she’d met you,” he added and Dom got the impression that his mate Robyn had said more than that.

“If you’re here to throw accusations, you can go,” Dom said. “I have better things to do.”

“I’m not,” said Lofty, quickly, “I just thought you might be bored. And lonely.”

Dom didn’t reply. He leaned in the doorway, looking at Lofty with suspicion.

Lofty put his hands in his pockets. “Can I come in?” he asked. “I had to bribe one of the night team to swap shifts, so please don’t let me have sacrificed my saxophone lesson in vain.”

Dom couldn’t tell if he was joking. He opened the door wide anyway.

*

Lofty explored Isaac's flat like a child would a museum. Every now and then he found something that interested him and would either pick it up or peak inside with a childish curiosity, but most of the time it was almost as if he was tiptoeing around trying his best not to break anything. Although there was a close call when he walked straight into a lamp. 

"It's not very you," stated Lofty, as he sat down on the edge of one of Isaac's sofas. They had two cups of tea in front of them, which were, of course, on coasters. 

Dom shrugged. "It's how Isaac likes it." 

"And do you?" 

"Do I what?" asked Dom, feeling a swell of annoyance. 

"Like it?" 

He wanted to say yes, but that would be a lie and Dom was exhausted with lying. "No." 

Lofty's face lit up with a smile. "Thank God. I don't think I could be friends with someone who is this neat. It goes against human nature and I've always thought that people who keep their homes like this are usually days away from snapping and becoming a serial killer." 

A part of Dom wanted to be loyal to Isaac, but he just couldn't. The flat had never felt like home and Dom was suffocated by the rules and tidying regime he had to adhere to on a daily basis. Sometimes he just wanted to leave his clothes in a mess on the floor or leave dirty dishes until the next day, but Isaac wouldn't like that and would call him childish. 

"Have you got any mayonnaise?" asked Lofty. 

Dom nearly spat out the mouthful of tea he'd just taken. "Excuse me?" 

"Mayonnaise, to dip my pizza crusts in." 

Dom wondered if the nurse had lost his mind. "Is that a euphemism?"

His question was answered by a knock at the door. Dom wasn't even surprised to find a pizza delivery guy standing on his doorstep, holding a box which smelt like heaven. It only took them ten minutes to eat an extra-large cheese pizza between the two of them, although Lofty was forced to manage without mayonnaise, because Dom frankly thought the idea of him dipping pizza into it was disgusting and he had no qualms in telling him that.

"You're going to have to take that pizza box with you when you go," said Dom, knowing Isaac would be furious if he found it. 

Lofty frowned, something he seemed to do a lot around Dom. "How can you live like this Dom? You're not even relaxed in your own home." 

"Lofty," sighed Dom, not wanting him to ruin this small amount of time they had together. 

"You could come and stay with me...or Sacha...or Essie even. Just anywhere that isn't with him." 

Dom swallowed hard. "I can't." 

"I don't want to stand by and watch him hurt you anymore," said Lofty, looking almost close to tears. 

Dom reached out to touch to him, but withdrew his hand at the last moment. He couldn't give Lofty what he wanted. This was Dom's life and nothing was going to change that. A long time ago he'd realised he was just a fly trapped in Isaac's web. Leaving Isaac would hurt, more than his hand or his ribs ever had under Isaac's cruelty. Dom didn't know who he was without Isaac anymore and he certainly couldn't go back to who he used to be before. That version of himself was selfish, arrogant and childish. So that left him with nothing and made him into a nobody. At least with Isaac he was somebody. 

"That's not your decision," stated Dom, he grabbed the remote from the coffee table and turned on the television. "Now lets stop talking about this and watch some trashy day time telly instead, Loose Women will be on in a minute." 

"Dom..." said Lofty, the expression on his face still intense. 

"Please," whispered Dom. He didn't need Lofty to tell him how wrong Isaac was for him, how violence was an indicator of an abusive relationship, how control and love sometimes become blurred in the mind of abusers or how if this carried on Dom might end up dead. Dom knew all that already. 

Lofty nodded, before he leaned over and plucked the television remote out of Dom's hand. "I prefer Bargain Hunt," he stated, as he changed the channel and broke the awkward atmosphere. 

Dom's mouth had fallen open. "Rude." 

"The guest should always decide what channel," said Lofty cheekily. "Besides, I usually watch this with my Gran whenever I visit her. She keeps saying we should apply to go on it." 

"You'd end up breaking everything and would have nothing to sell at the end," replied Dom. 

Lofty responded by chucking a screwed up bit of kitchen roll at him, which he'd used instead of a plate for the pizza. 

The two of them spent the day watching show after show, which seemed to all blur together by the end. At three ‘o’clock Dom’s eyes became heavy, and before he could stop himself he leaned into Lofty's warmth and slipped off to sleep. He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he woke up next, but the television was off and Dom discovered he was using Lofty's chest as a pillow and had a pair of arms gently wrapped around him. Lofty had managed to carefully position his swollen hand so it was safe from getting injured further.  Dom would have been embarrassed, if it wasn't for the fact that Lofty was fast asleep. 

He allowed himself to admire the other man and how beautiful he looked when he slept. Lofty looked younger somehow and even more innocent than usual. Dom swept a stray curl out of Lofty's eyes, and felt his heart fill with something familiar and warm. How could Lofty trust him enough to fall asleep and allow himself to be this exposed around Dom, when Dom couldn't even trust himself anymore? Dom settled his head back onto Lofty's chest and listened to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat, which eventually lulled him back to sleep. 

After that Dom briefly remembered someone talking to him and soft lips that brushed his forehead. When he woke up properly again he was alone, with a blanket draped over him. The pizza box and cups were gone from the coffee table and Dom wondered if he'd imagined the entire thing. 

*

“I think Chiltern is avoiding me,” Isaac told him a couple of days later. “He wasn’t in for the last three days.”

“Maybe he took what you said seriously,” Dom suggested. “He got the message.”

Isaac hummed doubtfully. “I thought I could smell Indian food when I got in,” he said, conversationally. He popped a piece of steamed broccoli into his mouth, seeming to have no opinion on the taste either way, and watched Dom’s face for reaction.

Dom held his face still, and shrugged. “Well,” he said, carefully, “it’s probably one of the neighbours.”

It wasn’t. Lofty had arrived at around eleven with a lamb Balti. He hadn’t even bought it from a shop. Apparently he’d befriended a very generous, middle aged, Indian woman who loved cooking for people, particularly young men, Lofty had added and had blushed innocently over the words. Dom had grinned and playfully accused Lofty of being a kept man. Lofty had laughed like the idea was madness, while Dom thought about how much he’d love to keep Lofty. There was no way the woman who made him curries didn’t feel the same.

Isaac was still watching his face. Dom hoped his thoughts weren’t visible. He ate some broccoli himself to cover it, but he flinched at the taste.

“You’re such a child, Dominic,” Isaac told him, with a smile. “Whinging about a few vegetables.”

Dom shrugged. “I’m eating them,” he said.

Isaac nodded, and took his hand. His bad hand. Dom froze completely, as Isaac stroked it gently. “How is this feeling?” Isaac asked.

Dom shrugged. If he said it was bad, Isaac would say he was weak. If he said it was getting better, Isaac might get worried that Dom would get back to work to soon and try to make it worse. 

“Use your words, Dominic,” Isaac scolded. “How does it feel? Are you getting better?”

“It’s the same,” Dom mumbled, incoherently.

Isaac squeezed. Dom bit his lip but the groan of pain came out anyway. “Don’t lie to me, Dom,” he said. “If it’s feeling worse we can go the GP and get more time off. It’s fine.”

“I don’t want more time,” Dom said. “I’ll be fine.”

Isaac’s eyebrow flickered. Dom had surprised him. It was almost standing up for himself. Dom removed his hand from Isaac’s grip, stood to leave the table.

“Dom,” said Isaac, slowly, quietly.

Dom turned to leave the room, to get to the bedroom so he could close the door and shut himself away. His heart was beating too fast.

“Dominic,” Isaac repeated. Dom heard his chair scrape. He’d stood up too. He was following.

Dom stepped a little faster. He never reached the bedroom.

*

The following morning, he woke up on the bathroom floor, cold and aching.

He’d cowered, he’d pleaded, he’d begged. He’d been the opposite of brave. But something had changed. He’d protected his hands. He’d not just accepted that it was Isaac’s right to do this to him, to make him hurt. And he hadn’t apologised.

He realised Isaac had left him on the floor. He hadn’t woken him when he went to work. Or maybe he’d left the night before and found someone to fuck, while Dom lay unconscious on the floor.

Dom climbed up. The mirror above the sink was handily close, so he dared to look at himself. He had fresh bruises, on his face, on his chest and his arms. He tentatively moved his arms, his legs, his neck, his fingers. Everything moved. They were just bruises. He almost cried with relief.

He made himself a tea, and then sat carefully on the sofa to chide himself for his stupidity. He knew how to avoid beatings like that. He’d made this happen. He’d given himself the raging headache, the aching limbs, the pain from lying at the wrong angle for hours. He was trying to have what he knew he couldn’t have. He should be pushing Lofty away, not spending full days with him.

The doorbell rang. As silently as he could, Dom went to stare at the door. The doorbell rang again. Still Dom didn’t move.

If only Lofty would leave him alone. If Dom could go back to living without hope, if he could just accept that Isaac was the best he was worth, then Dom could be happy. He was a crap doctor. He was too vain and petty to really do what he had to. He was worthless. He was lucky Isaac wanted him at all.

“Dom?”

Dom shook his head and bit his lip to stop himself answering.

“Dom, I know you’re there,” said Lofty, kindly. “I’ve brought Thai food.”

He knocked again, rang again. “Dom, please,” he said.

Dom gave up. “Lofty, you have to leave.”

“But all the food will go to waste,” said Lofty.

“I’m not joking,” said Dom. “You have to go! We can’t keep doing this.”

“Why not?” Lofty asked. “We haven’t done anything wrong.”

Dom closed his eyes. “You know we have,” he said. “You know what you’re doing every time you come here.”

“What am I doing?” Lofty asked. “I’m bringing lunch to a friend who might not be able to cook.”

“You’ve moved your shifts around just so you can bring me lunch?” Dom pointed out.

“Well, I just… I thought I’d better avoid Isaac,” Lofty admitted. “I don’t want to cause any trouble.”

“He’s not an idiot, Lofty,” said Dom.

Lofty paused for a moment. “Has he hurt you?” he asked, genuinely sad at the idea.

“No,” Dom lied out of habit.

“Oh, Dom,” said Lofty.

“Just go, Lofty,” Dom pleaded.

Lofty paused again, but Dom didn’t hear his footsteps. After a few long moments, he said “Please, Dom.”

Dom turned away.

“Leave him,” Lofty said.

Dom turned back, mouth falling open. “You can’t just…”

“Dom, everyone knows how he treats you!” Lofty said. “Anyone on Keller would take you in. Sacha, Essie, me, for heaven’s sake even Hanssen would give you his spare room! You have so many people who love you! You don’t need him!”

Dom walked away from the door. He shut himself in the bathroom. He didn’t hear the rest of Lofty’s words.

*

Isaac didn't come home that night and Dom couldn't help but feel a little relieved. It was meant to be some kind of psychological punishment and Isaac probably thought that Dom being isolated without anyone to speak to would remind him how much he relied on and needed him, but it didn’t have the desired effect. Dom didn’t miss Isaac, he missed Lofty. So much that it was pathetic.

He’d gotten used to the curly haired nurse’s company and their afternoons eating junk food and watching crap television together. Sat on his own, watching This Morning by himself just wasn’t the same. And as his morning melted away Dom couldn’t stop himself from glancing at the door, and expecting Lofty to appear at any moment, but he didn’t. Bargain Hunt started and Lofty still hadn’t arrived, which caused Dom to punch one of Isaac's perfect cushions with his non injured hand in frustration. His entire body hurt; he missed Zosia, working, his Mum and Arthur and just the feeling that he was not completely useless and pathetic. Dom didn’t want to feel this way anymore. 

When the sound of someone knocking on the door interrupted what Dom could only describe as a pity party for one, he practically bolted to the door. He opened it, expecting to see Lofty, but instead was greeted by the sight of Sacha. Sacha started off smiling, which slipped into a frown as he took a top to bottom inventory of Dom with his eyes. Dom realised too late that he’d forgotten to apply his make-up that morning and his bruises were exposed and on show for the world to see.

“Oh Dom,” breathed out Sacha, close to tears.

“Sacha,” said Dom, lost for words and out of excuses.

Sacha stepped forward and Dom wasn’t sure what the other man was going to do, until he was gently pulled into a hug. And Dom couldn’t pretend or fight any of this on his own anymore, he buried his face into Sacha’s shoulder and allowed himself to cry. He wasn’t sure how long he clung to Sacha like a child, letting go of all the anguish and hurt he was feeling, but when he pulled away he saw that Sacha’s eyes were wet too. Dom, sometimes, during his weakest moments, wished he could be a small child again and that Sacha was his Dad. 

They end up sat side by side on the sofa, with matching cups of untouched tea. Sacha kept snatching glances at Dom, looking as if he was trying to find the right words.

“I guess this is my Karma,” said Dom finally breaking the silence, “for all the awful things I’ve done.”

Sacha makes a noise of disagreement. “You seriously can’t believe that.”

“I don’t know what I believe,” replied Dom.

“Nobody deserves this,” said Sacha, who seemed to flinch each time he looked at the bruises on Dom’s face. “We need to go to the police and then to Hanssen. Pack a bag and you can come and stay with me.”

“No.”

Dom had always thought Sacha was pretty unshakable, but that answer made him stare at Dom as if he’d grown another head.

“I’m not doing either of those things,” stated Dom, as way of explanation. “This is it for me, Sacha, the best I can hope for and I’ve grown to accept that. I’m not a good person like you or Essie or Lofty even; nobody is going to ride in on some stupid white horse and save me. I’m not worth saving.”

“Dom.”

“Please let me deal with this in my own way,” said Dom.

Sacha ran a hand through his grey hair. “Your own way looks as if it has gotten you beaten up numerous times.”

“Well, you’ve always said my mouth would get me into trouble one day,” said Dom, in an attempt to brighten the mood.

“This wasn’t what I meant when I said that,” said Sacha seriously.

Dom shrugged.

“When did this start? I mean I guessed a long time ago what was going on, but when did it get this bad? How long have you been you been living like this?”

“It doesn't matter,” replied Dom, defensively.

“Dom,” said Sacha again.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” said Dom, as he crossed his arms. “I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want them looking at me how you are, in a way that says look at poor, pathetic Dom whose boyfriend beats him up. I wonder what he did to make that nice registrar snap. It must have been something really bad, after all he’s got a reputation for all those terrible things he did in the past.”

“Nobody would look at you and think that,” replied Sacha, a look of sorrow on his face. “Not anyone that matters.”

“No,” said Dom. “But maybe that’s what I think when I look in the mirror.”

Sacha looked miserable. “I just want to help you. And the only way I can do that is by getting you away from that man.”

Dom shook his head. “He loves me.” It was a weak argument and he knew it. 

“So do I!” said Sacha.  

“It’s not the same,” stated Dom, as he glared at the floor.

“No, because my love isn’t going to kill you,” stated Sacha. “I couldn’t save Arthur, but I can save you, Dom.”

Dom bit his lip so hard that it filled his mouth with a metallic taste. Arthur’s name always felt like a punch to the gut. “I think you need to go.”

“Dom.”

“You said you wanted to help me,” said Dom. “If you really mean that, then go.”

Sacha stood up and hovered for a moment, an internal conflict seemed to be taking place inside of his head. “Isaac has put in a complaint against Lofty. He says he’s been harassing the two of you and Hanssen might be forced to suspend him. How many more people have to get hurt before you put a stop to this?”

Dom couldn’t answer that question and Sacha left not long afterwards, once again reasserting the fact he was only on the other end of a phone and had a room ready for whenever Dom needed it. 

*

The minute Isaac walked through the door, Dom could tell he was in a bad mood. Dom briefly considered hiding or going out, but he knew it would only delay the inevitable. He had nowhere else to go and was going to get the brunt of Isaac’s mood whether he liked it or not, even if the bruises had barely healed from the last time. 

“You will be happy to know,” announced Isaac, as he pulled off his tie. “That Hanssen has refused to accept a complaint that I have made against that blathering idiot Chiltern. Something about not enough evidence and him not being a fan of hearsay. Is this your doing or do I have that fool Sacha to thank for this?”

“I don’t know anything about it,” said Dom, as he stared at the floor.  

Isaac scoffed. “Somehow I doubt that. You’re just as bad as the rest of them. The way they fawn over him makes me feel sick, even after everything he’s done.”

Dom was confused. “What has he done?”

Isaac’s face lit up with a sick type of excitement. “You mean he hasn’t told you? Your precious nurse Chiltern killed an agency nurse when he worked for the ED and they covered it up." 

 


	4. Fruit and Fajitas

Dom stared at the wall. It needed a couple of touch ups where the paint had discoloured. Maybe it was grease from unwashed fingers, or maybe where something had splashed against it. Or maybe that was where the sun hit at a certain moment and it had faded quicker than the rest. Dom didn’t know, but wondering that was easier than wondering about the other things in his head.

He couldn’t figure out Isaac’s bombshell. Isaac had refused to speak more of it, and Dom was scared that pushing too hard would make Isaac think he had feelings for Lofty. It didn’t make any sense. If it had been a patient, he would have assumed Lofty made a mistake, and in the pressurised, overcrowded environment of the ED he could see a hundred mistakes waiting to happen. People became nurses because they cared, and people who cared were bound to feel responsible when mistakes happened, even if they were unavoidable. But how did you accidentally kill a colleague?

And surely it had to be an accident. There was no way Hanssen would have welcomed Lofty back if it had been anything else. Or was there?

Maybe the agency nurse had been evil. Maybe it had been self-defence. Dom imagined a big guy trying to hurt Lofty and got angry. His fists clenched, and he had to force himself to calm down. He didn’t know anything. He had to ask Lofty.

He knew exactly why Isaac had done this. If Lofty even came that day, Dom wouldn’t be pleased to see him. Dom would be wary and suspicious. He’d be searching Lofty for signs of guilt. And then he’d ask, and Lofty would be hurt. It was an expertly wielded surgical knife, cutting out the budding friendship before it could blossom.

He’d laid awake for most of the night. Isaac had fucked him, and then fallen asleep with a possessive arm around Dom’s torso, and Dom had been too hot and too cold all at once. He’d felt sick. It was psychosomatic.

Maybe this was the lesson: everyone had their own darkness. At least Isaac had already shown Dom his. Other people hid it behind smiles and junk food, disguised it with kind words and false concern. The feelings Dom had started to develop for Lofty weren’t for Lofty at all. They were for a fictional character. He wanted the person Lofty pretended to be. That person didn’t really exist at all. He was a plastic coating hiding something else within. A murderer.

Isaac had been lovely in the morning. He’d kissed Dominic sweetly, a gentle, loving greeting, like they’d shared in the early days. Then he’d made breakfast, fresh fruit, yoghurt, juice. He’d playfully fed Dom some of his own, bending to kiss away anything that missed his mouth, and smiling at Dom, as though he loved him. As though there was nowhere else in the world that could bring him more pleasure, not a person that could make him happier. When he left, he told Dom he loved him and that he would miss him. He’d kissed Dom again. Dom had kissed back.

Isaac’s kindness only made the flat seem gloomier when he left for work, like Dom was stuck alone in a mausoleum. He had found a blanket and wrapped it around himself to sit on the sofa, but he couldn’t bear the noise and colour of daytime telly that day. One inane grin would be one too many. So he’d stared at the walls instead. He wondered if he could do some redecorating with one hand.

The doorbell rang just after twelve. He hadn’t expected it. He had been dreading it. He stood. He built up his courage. He opened the door carefully. In the hallway stood a nervous looking Lofty, shopping bags clutched in his hands. He let out a breath of relief when the door opened, only to gasp again at the sight of Dom’s face.

Dom hadn’t bothered with the make-up. Now Sacha had seen him, it didn’t seem to matter, but Dom regretted it at the look of anguished misery on Lofty’s face.

“He did this because of me?” Lofty breathed.

Dom looked away. “No,” he said, quietly. He didn’t know if it was a lie or not.

Lofty was lost for words. His hands gripped tightly to the shopping bags and his eyes were glued to Dom’s face. When he moved, it was sudden and unexpected. He put the bags down by the door, and stepped over the threshold. Dom stepped back in surprise, as Lofty stepped too close.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Dom shook his head.

“I know I should go,” said Lofty, “but…”

He couldn’t put his reason into words. Nor could Dom. Dom indicated that he should come further into the flat. He himself sat on the sofa and watched Lofty take the bags into the kitchen.

“I thought maybe we shouldn’t have take-away for lunch every single day,” Lofty said, conversationally. “I know people deserve a treat, but … well… that way lies obesity, so I brought fajitas.”

“Sounds good,” said Dom. Anything sounded good. Anything except wondering how this angelic creature could have killed someone.

“Where are the pans?” Lofty asked, casually rifling through Isaac’s cupboards. “I know he’s a health freak, but I’d assumed you’d have some oil somewhere between you…”

“Did you do it?”

Dom cursed himself for his stupidity. If Isaac had asked, he would have found a way to get Lofty to tell without seeming to ask. Dom just asked.

“Do what?” Lofty asked, with a frown. He’d found a frying pan and a chopping board, he was getting ingredients out of his bag.

Dom took a deep breath. Bluntness wasn’t helpful but it was all he had at that moment. “Did you kill someone?”

Lofty dropped the onion he was holding. Dom may as well have smacked him as asked that, but there was no way around it. Dom had to know.

“Who told you that?” Lofty asked, voice quiet, completely lacking anger.

“Isaac,” Dom said truthfully.

Lofty nodded. “Sacha said something about Isaac going through personnel files. I thought he was just making conversation…”

“Lofty?” Dom prompted.

“Don’t hate me,” said Lofty. “Please, don’t hate me.”

The bottom fell out of Dom’s stomach. “What happened?” he asked, terrified of the answer, yet unable to look away.

“Dylan… Dr Keogh and … her and me, we were taking a patient up in the lift. The patient crashed, and there was only the three of us, so I … I was in charge of the…” Lofty paused, shook his head. “She was tired. She’d been up for ages. I knew she hadn’t been trained, she’d been working in care homes and stuff, not hospitals, I should have sent her home, but we were so short staffed. I didn’t see … she … She was still touching the patient when I shocked them.”

Lofty was staring into space. Lost in the pain of these memories. “Dylan said it wasn’t my fault. They all said it wasn’t. But … I still needed to stop. I left.”

Dom had stood up at some point, got closer to Lofty, wanting to comfort him, “Did you check before you shocked?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” said Lofty. “I said clear, but it was so quick.”

Dom put a hand on his. He knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that Lofty should not feel bad about this. “You did the best you could,” he said quietly. “You can’t be responsible for how another person acts.”

“I should have checked…”

“You didn’t force her to keep hold,” said Dom. “Do you think Hanssen would have had you back if he thought you weren’t an excellent nurse? Do you think Sacha would have asked you to stay if he didn’t see how brilliant you are?”

Lofty looked at him with wide hopeful eyes.

“Lofty, you’re the best person I’ve ever met,” Dom promised.

Lofty shook his head. “I’m clumsy and stupid and…”

“You’re wonderful,” said Dom. “These last few weeks since we met, I…”

He froze. He’d gone too far.

“I think you’re wonderful,” said Lofty.

“Me?” said Dom, “Sure, I’m one hot sexy beast.” He smiled, showing that it was irony. He was the opposite of that. He was covered in bruises, a mess of emotions. He was the least desirable person he knew.

Lofty shook his head.  “You don’t see yourself right,” he said, simply.

Dom dropped his eyes. Lofty stepped forward.

“You’re great,” the nurse said, quietly. “I think you’re great.”

A silence followed. Dom stared at Lofty. A moment ago, it had all seemed to be about him. Dom was comforting Lofty, because Lofty was in pain. But then, suddenly, Lofty was looking at Dom again, as though he believed what he was saying. As though Dom were someone worth thinking and caring about. Lofty could make anyone feel special.

He kissed Lofty without meaning to. It was totally different from their previous one. His arm had gone to Lofty’s waist, and their lips had met gently. For an aching moment it was perfect and beautiful, and then reality crashed down on them. They pulled apart.

“Sorry,” said Lofty, as though he’d started it.

“No, I’m…”

“I shouldn’t have,” said Lofty, “I can’t… you made it clear what you wanted, and I can’t just ignore that. I’m sorry.”

“Lofty,” Dom tried.

“I can’t be responsible for what he does to you,” said Lofty. “I can’t… I can’t make it worse.”

Dom didn’t move. He didn’t argue, didn’t try to deny it. He knew that Lofty was not to blame for Isaac, that even if Lofty were a thousand miles away, the beatings wouldn’t stop. But he just stood there, staring, unable to tell Lofty that.

And Lofty was gone. He’d walked out of the flat. Dom stared at the door for a full two minutes.

Then Isaac walked through it.

“I saw someone leaving,” he said.

Though there were tears in his eyes that had nothing to do with the man in front of him, Dom knew what would happen next.

 

*

 

When people talked about near death experiences, they usually referred to their best moments flashing before their eyes in a blur of colour or a sense of calm and serenity as they drifted away. Dom had always thought that kind of talk was a load of rubbish; just silly stories people told themselves to ignore the fact they had nearly died. Here one minute, gone the next. Poof, gone. Dead. But as painful tears slipped down Dom's cheeks, a part of him desperately wished the stories were true, so he didn't have to be here alone.

Isaac hadn’t held back and a never ending stream of punches and kicks had rained down on him. Dom had passed out pretty early on and woken up in a pool of his own vomit. Everything ached, as he’d been hit by a car. He felt hot and his head pounded, like a drum was being beaten inside of it.

The doctor in Dom knew he would be able to survive his injuries if he got help in the next thirty minutes. If he didn't get the help, he would most likely die from internal bleeding and the lung on his left side that he was pretty sure had collapsed. A number of ribs were broken too, but he didn't need to be a doctor to know that. There was also an unbearable pain which pulsed through his head and the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. 

In a state of shock he’d managed to crawl on his belly to his phone, like the spineless snake he was. Dom had called a taxi and fuelled by panic and adrenaline had stumbled outside. He’d quietly sat in the backseat of the taxi, while his entire body shook. The taxi driver had tried to make concerned conversation, but in the end had given up. He’d been dropped off outside of ED, but in the end couldn’t face going inside. Instead he’s walked away, and found himself on a cold bench in the Holby City remembrance garden, looking up at Arthur's plaque. It felt apt somehow.

This was Dom's fault. He had flown too close to a Lofty shaped sun and he'd got burnt. Isaac needed to show him the error of his ways and Dom had gotten what he deserved. 

"Is this really how you're going to go?" asked a voice. A voice that Dom hadn't heard in such a long time that it made his heart twist with even more pain.

Dom managed to open one of his swollen eyes, and wasn't surprised to see Arthur Digby standing over him, his glasses reflecting the florescent hospital lights. It made sense he'd be there to collect Dom at the end. Although Dom was pretty sure the place he was going to after he died was not the same place where Arthur went. He hoped they had cocktails in hell, if hell even existed.

"Piss off, Diggers," Dom managed to rasp out. 

Arthur let out a long suffering sigh and sat down next to Dom. "It's no fun being dead, you know." 

Dom's chest hurt too much for him to reply. 

"There's only so many times you can haunt Hanssen," said Arthur. "He's pretty unshakeable.  I threw all of his files off his desk the other day and he didn’t even bat an eyelid. Sometimes I even think he enjoys it." 

"Even when I'm dying...it has to be about you." 

"You're wrong, as I'm pretty sure this is about you, like everything else" said Arthur, as he pushed his glasses up his nose. "I'm just a figment of your pain riddled subconscious, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're probably about a minute or two from losing consciousness. And when that happens your chances of surviving your injuries drops dramatically as no one knows you’re here.”  

"Wouldn't be...so...bad." 

Arthur reached out and gently touched Dom's face. It felt almost real. "I don't think the world is ready to lose Dominic Copeland quite yet." 

"World...better...place." 

"You and I both know that isn't true," said Arthur sadly. "You were the dearest, if not rudest, friend until the very end, but now I think it's time you let me go and forgive yourself.”

"Dom!" 

Tears had mingled with the blood on his face. 

"Dom!" 

Arthur had become less defined and had begun to blur around the edges. Dom didn't want him to go. Dom missed him and it hurt so much! It was like there was a hole in him that nothing could fill. Why did Arthur have to leave him? He wasn't ready for him to go. 

"Dom!" 

Finally Dom focused and could see it wasn't Arthur in front of him, but a familiar face with a mess of curly hair around it. 

"Stay with me, Dom."

He wanted to, but he wasn't sure he could. 

 

*

 

Everything that happened next was a blur, snapshots of pictures that Dom couldn't quite grasp onto. He was in the ED department, being wheeled in quickly on a trolley. Next Lofty was surrounded by a group of people demanding answers. Some embraced him like he was an old friend. Then he was in a room, a team of people standing over him and working to fix his battered body. Then there was darkness and nothing. 

When Dom next woke up it was to the sound of his own heart beat on a monitor, which told him he wasn't dead. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Dom wanted to sit up, but he was in too much pain and his body was too weak to allow him to do so. There were tubes coming out of his body and a cannula attached to his hand. As Dom surveyed the room he saw a red headed male Doctor quietly staring at him, with a chart in his hands which he seemed to have forgotten about. It was quite unnerving. At the end of the bed was Lofty, fast asleep in a chair with his messy haired head using Dom's bed as a pillow. Dom asn't sure how he felt about that either.  

"He's been worried about you," stated the Doctor, brusquely, as if this was Dom’s fault.

Dom felt unnerved and wondered how long the doctor had been quietly staring at him like a lab experiment that he couldn’t make any sense of. The Doctor fiddled with the settings on his bed without being asked, so that Dom was lifted into a sitting position. Then Dom was handed a glass of water with a straw in it, which he gladly took small sips from. His throat was sore, but the Doctor's bedside manner made Dom’s own comparable to Florence Nightingale. 

"I told him to go home," continued the Doctor. "But he wouldn't listen. I also told him that being here wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference to your recovery but that didn't seem to change his mind either." 

For some reason Dom felt the red headed Doctor was judging him, but he couldn't be sure why. 

"I don't like seeing him upset." 

Dom realised that perhaps they had more in common than he first realised. "I don't either." 

"Good," said the Doctor, as he finally placed Dom's chart back into its holder. "Mr Hanssen requested I passed on a message, although I can’t remember message deliverer ever being in my job description, but there we go. No one knows you're here and this situation will be treated with the strictest confidentiality. You shouldn't be receiving any unwanted visitors and you will be moved once an appropriate ward has been chosen.”

"Right," said Dom, just wanting to turn over and go back to sleep. He was defeated and wasn't sure if Isaac would bother to turn up anyway, even if he knew Dom was here. He had made his feelings pretty clear. 

"And Jacob, one of our nurses, looks like he'd be quite good in a fight, so really you have nothing to worry about. That's not part of the message, but more like a fact, really. And just so you know, I still get Ben at Christmas." 

 

*

 

Sleeping in hospitals was a skill that required total devotion or absolute exhaustion. At that moment, Dom had neither, which left him one option - to stare at Lofty.

A part of him blamed Lofty for the pain he felt. Lofty knew exactly what Isaac was like, but had kept coming anyway. He’d tempted Dom, been the charming, handsome man on the outskirts of the relationship, the possibilities, the hope, when Dom needed to keep his heart closed and his eyes down. If Lofty had left them alone, Dom and Isaac could have reached a better point where the ghosts and stresses stopped hurting, and they could be happy.

But he knew that wasn’t true. He’d always known it really. Isaac was never going to stop hurting him. He’d accepted that he needed the pain as punishment for his misdeeds, his cruelty, and stupidity, but that was when the worst that happened was a punch. Isaac had changed the game now.

His hand was already too much to excuse. It hadn’t been anger that caused Isaac to inflict that injury. It had been calculated, a vicious attempt to disable him, to force him out if a job he loved, to force him to become reliant upon Isaac in all ways and to trap him completely. Isaac hadn’t even tried to hide those intentions. He’d basically explained them. Dom should have taken the warning.

This new beating had been anger. Fury had consumed Isaac’s face as he’d thrown blow after blow on Dom’s face and body, made him seem like a demon, a monster from a horror film. A damaged man, possessed by evil spirits that distorted his face. And Dom pitied him for it. And Dom wanted to forgive him for it. Even now he wanted to forgive Isaac for everything. He was as damaged as Dom in his own way.

But he’d left Dom unconscious. Dom could have died, and Isaac had not cared. He’d stormed off, gone to find some guy on the internet, or maybe just gone to a bar. That realisation stung more than the beating itself. Isaac had been careless with Dom’s life. It wasn’t passion, it wasn’t anger; it was callous. But without Isaac, Dom had no one.

Lofty stirred, then sat up with a groan, rubbing his neck.

“How are you feeling?” Dom asked, sympathetically. He’d fallen asleep at some awful angles too.

Lofty groaned again, but looked at Dom with caution. “I’m the one who’s supposed to ask that,” he pointed out good naturedly.

“Maybe,” Dom conceded, “but I asked first, so…”

Lofty shook his head, then regretted it and tried to give himself a massage. “I probably shouldn’t have let myself fall asleep like that,” he said.

“No,” said Dom, “That was silly.”

“And you?” Lofty asked, more seriously, “Are you OK?”

Dom shook his head.

“Can I get you anything?” Lofty asked. “Water? Something hot? It’s OK, you’re not nil-by-mouth, I checked.”

“A water,” Dom said, suddenly realising how thirsty he was. “Please.”

“No problem,” said Lofty, jumping up and going to fetch him a cup of water. “Drink it slowly,” he said when he got back.

Dom rolled his eyes. “Did you ever consider being anything except a nurse?” he asked. It was quite ridiculous to imagine Lofty trying to do another job, except maybe a doctor.

“A few times,” said Lofty. “After… you know.”

Dom lost his amusement. He’d not thought through that question. “I just mean you’re a natural,” he said, honestly. “You’re perfect.”

A small crease appeared between Lofty’s eyebrows.

“A perfect nurse,” Dom corrected, carefully.

Lofty shook his head, shyly. A companionable silence fell, and they watched each other. After long moments, Lofty built up the courage to ask what he wanted.

“What are you going to do, Dom?” he asked, tentatively.

Dom felt his heart dropping. He didn’t know what he was going to do, not really. He had decided that Isaac was not going to change, that he would hurt Dom too much one day, but did that mean he had the bravery to do anything about it?

“Hanssen says that he has grounds to fire Isaac,” he said. “He only needs a statement from you to report him to the GMC. You can get him out of your life completely.”

“Lofty,” Dom protested.

“I’m sorry, I know you want me to stay out of this, but I can’t,” Lofty looked at him so earnestly, a childish hope in his eyes. “I care about you. You’re my friend.”

“Just friends?” Dom asked, because though it was uncomfortable to talk about, it wasn’t so bad as talking about Isaac.

Lofty flushed red. “I don’t know,” he said, honestly. “I know you’re not in a place to make those sorts of decisions right now, but … I don’t know, maybe …”

Dom nodded. Even if he decided at that very moment to leave Isaac, he couldn’t just go straight out with Lofty. It would feel wrong. It would feel like Lofty were only temporary, the rebound, his partner to get over Isaac. Lofty could never be temporary.

“So… what are you going to do?” Lofty asked again.

Dom breathed deeply. “I’ll talk to Hanssen.”

 

*

 

Hanssen had Isaac escorted from the premises, and informed him that he was not to return. He told Dom to take the time he needed and then return to Keller with full support. He arranged for the police to talk to Dom the following day, when he was feeling stronger. He gave Lofty a respectful nod, as though thanking him for a job well done. Lofty didn’t notice, he was too busy looking at Dom.

“Well done,” he said. “That was the right thing to do.”

Dom shrugged. It didn’t really feel like it. It felt like an anti-climax. He was told by the grumpy doctor (Dr Keogh is his name apparently, although Dom could think of better and less nice names for him) that he's being moved to Keller the next day. He guessed it was probably Hanssen's doing, as the Swedish man seemed to lurk in the Emergency Department more than usual during that day and a lot of the staff had become jumpy and unnerved. The angry side of Dom enjoyed the ER staff's discomfort; at least he wasn’t the only one who felt like he was being watched and on display.

He left the ER department briefly, to go and visit Arthur’s grave with Hanssen. Hanssen seemed unwilling to deny Dom anything at the minute and no one seemed willing to challenge Hanssen’s authority after Lofty went back upstairs to Keller, so they left the hospital without an argument.  Although Dr Keogh shot them both what Dom was starting to establish was his trademark scowl on their way out. Neither of them said much whilst they were there, as words weren’t really needed. They just stared at Arthur’s headstone and Dom felt hollow, wrung out and empty. He wanted to go home, not to Isaac’s flat but the one he shared with Zosia and Arthur so long ago. But that was impossible now; Arthur was dead and Zosia was half way across the world. It seemed everyone left him.

When Hanssen helped Dom back into his hospital bed, he finally found the courage to ask him something that had been bothering him for a little while.

“Are you the one who put all those leaflets in my locker and the posters in the men’s toilets?”

Hanssen fixed Dom with a piercing stare before he replied. “Yes. I wasn’t able to ever find any concrete evidence which would have implicated Mr Mayfield and you were always loyal to him when questioned, but I knew at some point you would want help and hoped I could provide you with the stepping stones to find it.”

Dom bit his lip. “And Lofty?”

“Ah,” said Hanssen, and he smiled. “That was a rather unexpected but pleasant surprise. I could see that Nurse Chiltern was beginning to drift away from us again, so I thought perhaps the pace of Keller could reignite his passion for nursing again. And Mr Levy and I had tried to fight Mr Mayfield with everything in our arsenal, but we hadn’t tried to fight him with kindness. As I’m sure you’ll agree, Nurse Chiltern is one of the kindest people I have had the pleasure of meeting. I perhaps hoped that the two of you could become friends and maybe it would help you to have someone you could trust and confide in. I didn’t realise it would grow into something more than a rather beautiful friendship.” 

Dom swallowed hard. “I guess I’m just that darn irresistible.” His comment almost made Hanssen smile.

“I requested that your colleagues give you some time and told them not to visit you until you’re ready,” said Hanssen. “All of them obeyed this instruction, except Nurse Chiltern who has blatantly disregarded it and barely left your bedside for the past day, so make of that what you will.”

 

*

 

In preparation for the move up to Keller, Dom was moved out of the side room and onto the main ward the next day. It gave him a chance to watch the ED staff at work and fix Dr Keogh with evils whenever he passed too close to Dom’s bed.

Lofty appeared at around midday, he looked unusually skittish but once again was surrounded by people the minute he stepped onto the ward who wanted to talk to him and touch him like he’s a celebrity. Even Dr Keogh managed to summon a smile for the nurse and Dom felt a pang of jealousy. It had always felt as if Lofty was distinctly his, like he’d appeared from nowhere and was designed to be exactly what Dom needed. He wasn’t used to sharing him, especially with so many people.

“What’s that expression about?” asked Robyn, as she passed his bed.

“Nothing,” replied Dom, and he scowled down at the tray of disgusting hospital food in front of him. He picked up his fork and savagely stabbed at the mash potato on his plastic plate.

“He likes you,” said Robyn, as she looked over at Lofty. “I lived with him for two years and he never showed an interest in anyone, which was a bit rubbish because I had a massive crush on him for a while. But you’ve got nothing to be worried about.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” replied Dom, forcing mash potato into his mouth. It tasted disgusting. When he looked at Lofty again he was standing too close to Dr Keogh.

“Him and Dylan are just friends,” she stated. “Although Max and me did wonder for a while when him and his dog practically came to live with us.”

Dom didn’t know who Max was and didn’t particularly care. “Lofty can see who he wants, we just work together.”

Robyn rolled her eyes and moved onto the next patient. Finally Lofty made his way over to Dom and his entire face lit up with a smile.

“Alright? Sorry about that,” said Lofty. He was carrying a box of chocolates and a carton of grapes, which seemed to be a present for Dom.

“It’s like you have your very own Lofty fan club,” said Dom coldly. “ I keep expecting a red carpet to be put down each time you make an appearance. Maybe I should ask you for your autograph while I still have the chance.” He tried not to sound too bitter, but the crease lines that appeared on Lofty’s forehead indicated he hadn’t been very successful.

“They’re like my family,” said Lofty, he sounded oddly defensive and looked like a puppy that had been smacked with a rolled up newspaper.

Dom pushed the food tray away from himself, it suddenly tasted like cardboard.

“I’ll go and see if they’re ready to move you upstairs,” said Lofty, after an awkward silence. “Sacha and Essie have been pretty desperate to see you.”

Dom looked anywhere but at Lofty as he walked away. He felt himself, once again on the receiving end of one of Dr Keogh’s dirty looks. That was fine with Dom, he didn’t want Dr Keogh to like him. The doctor was rude and arrogant and looked at Lofty with a softness in his eyes. It seemed everyone Lofty came into contact with fell a little in love with him and Dom wasn’t in any fit state to fend off any competition for Lofty’s attention. Soon he’d be on Keller and things would maybe make sense again and hopefully he’d have Lofty to himself again.

He wasn’t looking forward to speaking to the police later on today, but perhaps he’d feel safer after. Isaac was banned from being on the hospital grounds, but it didn’t stop Dom from jumping at the slightest unusual sound. Part of him expected Isaac to stride in through the ED doors at any moment, using his charming persona to convince everyone it was all just some terrible mistake. And Dom didn’t know if he’d go along with the pretence or not if that happened.

“They’re ready for you upstairs,” said Lofty, all signs annoyance gone from his face. A porter was standing behind him.

“Great,” said Dom sarcastically.  

A few of the staff said goodbye as he was wheeled to the lift by the porter, but most seemed relieved he was going. Lofty followed him like a faithful dog, Dom both hated and loved him for it. Just as they stepped inside of the lift the porter’s phone went off.

“Am I okay to take this?” asked the porter. “My wife’s eight months pregnant. I won’t be a sec.”

“Sure,” said Lofty, smiling brightly. “I’ll take him upstairs, take your time and don’t worry.”

“Cheers, mate,” said the porter, as he stepped back out onto the ED floor.

The doors to the lift closed and Lofty fixed his attention back on Dom.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Other than looking as if I’ve gone five rounds with a double decker bus you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“Not really,” said Dom, truthfully. “Listen…I’m sorry about earlier.”

“It doesn’t matter,” replied Lofty.

“It does,” stated Dom, a swell of emotion in his chest. Lofty had been nothing but kind to Dom, and Dom returned it by being rude to him and his ED friends. No wonder he’d ended up with someone like Isaac. It was what he had and still deserved now.

Lofty hesitated, but then reached out and placed his hand on top of Dom’s. Their eyes met and the two smiled at one another and for some strange reason everything felt briefly okay again. Dom turned his hand over and laced his fingers in Lofty’s so that they were holding hands.

“Is this elevator going down, instead of up?” asked Dom in confusion.

“Yeah,” said Lofty frowning. He withdrew his hand from Dom’s and went over to the lift control panel, and pressed some of the buttons with no success.

Dom’s heart rate began to pick up, as fear trickled down his body like cold water. The lift had to be malfunctioning, that was all. Nothing bad was going to happen. They reached the basement level and the doors slid open. There was no one there, just an empty corridor. Dom nearly cried out in relief. Just as the doors slid closed again a hand reached out and stopped them from closing.

The lift doors slid sprang back open again, revealing Isaac. He was dressed in a suit and looked as if it was any normal day at work and that his entire world wasn’t about to implode into itself.

“Hello Dominic, Nurse Chiltern,” said Isaac coldly. “I think it’s time we had a conversation.” The scalpel in his hand suggested talking was the last thing on his mind.  

 


	5. Dust and Chocolate

Lofty didn't move. Dom had no choice in how much or little he moved, since Lofty was in charge of his movement, but he wasn't eager to do anything different.

Isaac looked crazed. Normally, he'd be dressed immaculately, smart suit, crisp shirt, clean shoes. At that moment, he was pitiful. There were muddy stains on his clothes, like he'd had to lie on the ground, dust in his messy hair and a day's growth of stubble on his chin. His eyes were ringed twice, once by red rims, and then by dark circles that showed he hadn't slept. It was yesterday's suit, from before he was thrown out of the hospital. Hanssen hadn't seen this coming.

"Did you take control of the lift?" Lofty asked, aghast at the sight of him.

Isaac sneered. "Yes, Chiltern, I used my powers of telekinesis that can move the lift in the direction I wanted it to go," he gave Dom a look as if to say 'what an idiot?'. It didn't fit with his general demeanour of desperation and insanity. Dom didn't point out that he'd just wondered the same thing. 

"That charming porter," Isaac explained. "Obviously he pressed the floor I wanted rather than the one you wanted. He's a friend."

Dom could tell what that meant. He'd just met one of Isaac's many infidelities. He hadn't even stuck to people outside the hospital. No wonder so many people seemed to know what a mess their relationship was.

"Get out of the lift, Chiltern," Isaac ordered. "Now, please, before I lose my patience."

Dom guessed Lofty was looking at him for confirmation, but Dom would be no use if it came down to a fight. This was Lofty's decision.

Isaac was blocking the doors to the lift, stopping them closing. He held the scalpel with a practised grip of a surgeon. Dom knew he could wield it with precision.

"If you force us to do this in the lift, everything will be messier," said Isaac. "I can always press the emergency stop, and then we'll be stuck in a 6 foot box. Get out."

Slowly, slowly, Lofty seemed to agree. He edged past Dom's bed, as though he thought Isaac only wanted him.

"Push my boyfriend as you go," said Isaac. 

"Isaac," Lofty started, voice calm and pleading, "Dom's hurt, he..."

"He is my boyfriend, Chiltern," Isaac snapped, "I shall be the one who looks after him."

That was twice Isaac had called Dom his boyfriend, and Dom hadn't corrected him. He should probably correct him. Except Isaac had a knife, and Dom didn't want to die.

"Isaac, this is a really bad idea," said Lofty, while Dom still sat in shocked silence. "It's not going to help your case..."

"My case?" Isaac repeated. "Because you've called the police on me."

There was no response to that. There was no way the hospital could have pretended Dom's injuries weren't from an attack, and there was no way Dom could have avoided the hospital, even if Dom had still been in the mood to protect Isaac from the law. But there was nothing Lofty could do. If he pressed a button to move the lift, Isaac would get in and press the emergency stop button and then it was anyone's guess what might happen. Would Isaac kill them both? He was going to prison for a violent crime, and was not going to be able to practice medicine anymore. That alone might be enough to push him onto the wrong side of sanity.

"Isaac," Lofty said, "we're going to come out, but you have to step back. I can't just let you hurt Dominic."

"Fine," said Isaac. He stepped completely into the lift, and right up to Lofty. 

Dom tried to twist in his bed, but his injuries wouldn't let him entirely. He could imagine what was happening. Isaac had the knife against Lofty's neck. "Do as he says, Lofty," he ordered, suddenly even more scared than before. 

"Yes, Lofty, do as I say," said Isaac. "Push my boyfriend down the corridor. There's a good boy."  
Lofty started moving. Dom suspected it wasn't Isaac's threats that had him obeying so much as Dom's own orders. He couldn't think of a way out, except that Lofty run as soon as he had the chance. The option may not be open to Dom, but Lofty could get to safety.

The corridors of the basement were unusually empty. There were store rooms down here and some equipment that couldn't be kept upstairs, but either Isaac was lucky or he knew exactly when and where the people wouldn't be so he could be sure of privacy. 

He took them to one of the storage rooms that was obviously falling out of use if the dust were a clue.  Lofty pushed Dom's bed inside and the second Isaac backed off to close the door, the nurse ducked down in front of Dom and looked him earnestly in the eyes.

"Are you alright?" he asked. 

"I'm fine," said Dom, and he added, quietly. "You'll run, won't you?"

Lofty put a hand on Dom's, "We'll find a way out," he said. He didn't emphasise the 'we'. Lofty wouldn't, even for a moment, consider running on his own and not getting Dom out too. It just wasn't how his brain worked.

"Of course he's fine," said Isaac, pushing Lofty aside and taking his place. Lofty let him, because he wasn't the sort of person who ever thought aggression was the answer. 

Isaac smiled sadly at Dom. "I'm sorry, Dom," he said. "I never meant to hurt you."

Dom struggled to maintain his composure. Of course Isaac had meant to hurt him. 'You left me," he said, so quietly he thought they wouldn't hear.

"I was ashamed," said Isaac. "I couldn't bear it. I'm sorry. I love you."

"I don't believe you," Dom told him, honestly. "You couldn't do what you do if you loved me."

"I do love you, Dom," Isaac said again, "I know, I've made so many mistakes, but so have you. You let that psycho Lee come into our lives, you kept bringing up Arthur, just to make me feel inadequate, you're so competitive you tried to make me look bad at work, you let Zosia think I was some sort of abuser..."

"You are an abuser," said Lofty.

Isaac glowered at him, adjusting his grip on the scalpel, as though he was contemplating how best to use it.

Lofty didn't seem to notice it. He carried on in his soft voice, "If you don't mean to be..."

"If you want the nurse, just have him," said Isaac. "He's not important. We're important."

Dom looked away. This was Isaac's messed up way of thinking. He'd never agreed with it. Sex was almost never just sex. Even having it with strangers, before he and Isaac had got together, had never meant nothing. He didn't believe it meant nothing to Isaac either. Him having sex with someone else was an action meant as an insult to Dom, to keep Dom feeling unworthy and pathetic. Something else about Dom that wasn't good enough. He wasn't even worth a basic level of commitment. 

"Look," said Isaac, tumbling over to Lofty, grabbing the nurse by the hair, "Go on, kiss him," he said. "I know it doesn't mean anything."

Lofty followed the grip on his hair, as Isaac tugged him until he was level with Dom's face. He didn't look at Dom though. He was trying to pull his head aside enough that he wasn't looking at Dom.  Isaac grabbed another clump of hair in the hand that held the scalpel, and tugged until Lofty had no choice but to look at Dom. Still he kept his eyes down.

"Isaac," Dom pleaded. "What are you doing?"

"Kiss him!" Isaac shouted. "Kiss him or I cut his fucking eye out."

Dom didn't even know who he was talking to, whose eye was in danger, but it scarcely mattered. He'd got Lofty into this mess. A kiss without consent was bad, but would have less permanent effects than a knife in the eye for either of them.

He broke the couple of inches between them, and pressed his lips to Lofty's. Lofty made a sound of surprise. 

"Good boy," said Isaac, pulling Lofty away too soon. "See, it's fine. We can take him with us, if you want."

Dom's head was reeling with the moral implications of being forced to commit assault upon someone he genuinely cared about, but he caught that sentence.

"Take him where?" he asked. They were in the basement. He'd assumed Isaac had had no plan, just desperation and insanity. 

Isaac ducked his head, kissed him gently on the cheek. "I'm sorry, Dom," he said, "I can't tell you that right now. I think you might try to spoil it. But it will be great, I promise. We'll live together and be happy."

"You, me and your captive?" Dom sneered.

"Just you and me, then," said Isaac. "I don't care about the nurse. I care about you."

"Isaac, this is insane," Lofty put in, "Dom doesn't want to go with you. You can't just find somewhere new to live and pretend it's fine. You'll be arrested anyway, even if you threaten Dom enough to stay quiet."

Isaac punched him. Dom had never seen him hit anyone else before. He gasped in surprise. Lofty looked taken aback, too, as the fist landed on his cheek. His head moved with the blow, but he didn't stumble. Dom recognised the feeling. Isaac was a bully, a violent thug, but he was shorter than Dom. He weighed less than Dom. Because he loved him, Dom had never hit him back, but maybe if there were to actually be a fight, Isaac wouldn't be certain to win. Except Dom had various broken ribs and other injuries that made him incapable of fighting back. But Lofty...

Lofty was not going to be violent. It just wasn't Lofty's way.

_“Mr Mayfield!”_

A booming voice reverberated along the corridor and echoed around the room they were in. The voice was full of authority and repressed anger. It sounded like Hanssen. 

“Not a sound,” whispered Isaac, as the hand holding the scalpel pointed to Dom and then to Lofty and then back to Dom again.

Lofty held his slowly reddening cheek, he still seemed to be oddly calm even though he had just been assaulted and Isaac kept pointing a scalpel at him. Other people would have had a meltdown or panic, but not Lofty. Sometimes Dom felt as if he knew nothing about the nurse. He was a house of many, floors, corridors and rooms, most of which were unopened and unseen by anyone else. And Dom wanted to know and see them all, desperately. If they ever managed to get out of this mess. 

“Please,” said Dom quietly.

_“We know you’re down here!”_

Isaac pointed the scalpel at Lofty again. “How does he know where we are?” he demanded.

Lofty shrugged, but it was a half-hearted shrug. He was a terrible liar.

_“The police are on their way, there’s nowhere left to go!”_

“Tell me!” demanded Isaac.

Lofty shared a guilty look with Dom, which Isaac immediately seized upon. It took less than three seconds for Isaac to see that Lofty had one hand stuffed into his scrub pocket.

_“Dom!”_

It was a new voice, which sounded remarkably like Sacha.

The sound of doors being opened and closed was getting nearer. Soon they would stumble upon the three of them.

Isaac once again directed the scalpel back at Lofty. “Take your hand out of your pocket and bring out whatever is inside. Do it quickly Chiltern, before I use this scalpel to make sure you’re never able to use that hand again.”

Lofty slowly lifted his hand out his pocket, which was holding a mobile phone. Isaac grabbed it and an ugly expression appeared on his face as he read the screen. He dropped the phone onto the floor and stamped on it with his foot, smashing the screen. 

“Not such a dunce after all Chiltern,” said Isaac, voice serious and dangerous. “Of course you called Hanssen, knowing he wouldn’t want anything to happen to his precious little pets. It’s just a shame he will be too late to help you.”

Lofty took a step back as Isaac took one towards him.

“No!” said Dom, his entire body hurt as he forced himself to sit up. He twisted round so that his feet touched the cold floor. 

“I need to teach you a lesson, Dominic,” said Isaac, not looking at him. His attention was fixed fully on Lofty, who was looking at Dom and trying to communicate it was okay with his eyes. “One final lesson, so that you won’t ever forget that you are mine and you will always belong to me.”

_“Dom! Lofty!”_

“Isaac,” said Lofty, his hands were defensively out in front of him.

“Shut up!” snarled Isaac.

“Isaac,” begged Dom, tears freely flowed his face. He was on his feet now, slowly walking towards them like a child taking its first steps. His entire body was in agony from the effort of it. “This is between you and me. Please don’t hurt him, he’s done nothing wrong.”

“You’re wrong as usual,” said Isaac in a very cold and matter of fact voice, almost as if he was teaching Dom a lesson whilst they were in surgery. “He’s tried to take something that wasn’t his to take. And he needs to be taught the consequences of that.”

“People aren’t possessions,” said Lofty.

“ _The police are here now. Please come out before someone gets hurt!”_

“No, but they are breakable,” stated Isaac, his eyes wild.

Isaac sprang forward, scalpel clenched in his hand and directed at Lofty. But the move was too planned and calculated, it was an attempt to gain access to an area of Lofty’s body which would cause the most damage and quickest death, and Dom was ready for it. He moved at a speed that he hadn’t realised he was capable of and shoved Isaac as hard as he could. The doctor lost his balance and stumbled sideways. The scalpel slipped through his fingers and hit the floor and Isaac bashed into one of the dusty shelves. His head hit the metal with a sickening crunch. He slid to the floor and lay there unmoving, with blood beginning to pool from the wound on his head.

Dom’s knees gave out from under him and he flopped down onto the floor. His fingers found Isaac’s scalpel and he held it in his hand, as he watched Isaac’s body for any sign of movement. Lofty appeared in front of him.

“Dom, are you hurt?” he demanded, “Are you bleeding, did you hit your head?”

Dom shook his head. He knew what Lofty was asking, and he knew what Lofty needed to do. He stayed where he was as Lofty crossed the room and felt Isaac’s pulse, before putting him into the recovery position, trying to stem the blood coming from Isaac’s head. It was more than he deserved. Only Lofty would try to save the life of someone who seconds before had tried to kill him.

“Is he dead?” asked Dom, in a voice that didn’t sound like his own.

“No,” said Lofty.

Dom was both relieved and disappointed. That was because Dom was a monster, no better than Isaac. He would never be good enough for Lofty now. His flaws were exposed and on show for the world to see. He would taint and destroy Lofty and he couldn't let that happen. He had to protect him. 

“Can we get some help in here!” shouted Lofty, his hands red with Isaac’s blood.

Dom did nothing to help him, he stayed on the floor frozen and clutching the scalpel. The door to the room was thrown open and Hanssen and Sacha rushed in. Hanssen went straight to Lofty’s side and began to work with him to stem the bleeding coming from Isaac’s head.

“Dom,” said a soft voice.

He was startled to find that Sacha was knelt on the floor next to him, his eyes soft and gentle. Dom couldn’t be certain how long he’d been there for.

“Dom,” Sacha repeated. “Put the scalpel down.”

Dom looked down and found he still had the scalpel in his hand, he was holding onto it so tightly that it caused a red indent in his hand and his knuckles were white from the pressure of his grip.

“Dom.” Sacha gently put his hand on Dom’s and the scalpel clattered to the floor. “You’re safe now, you’re both safe.”

Dom let out a noise like a wounded animal and then began to sob and sob, tears of anguish and pain. Strong arms wrapped gently around him and he clung to Sacha like a child, not willing to let go and Sacha unwilling to release him. He didn’t want to look at Isaac, he just wanted to bury his head into Sacha’s shoulder. And he did just that.

“You’re safe,” repeated Sacha. “You’re safe now and I’m never going to let him hurt you again.”

And Dom believed him.

*

Dom was exhausted, both physically and mentally. After further painkillers and spending hours with the police going over what had happened in every possible way, he had nothing left in him. He stared at the Keller ceiling, counting how many tiles there were. Sleep was evading him and he considered buzzing Essie using the button by his bed for some sleeping tablets, but that would mean having to talk to someone when he didn’t have the energy to do that. 

Isaac was alive and had been transferred to St James’. The police were on hand ready to arrest him when he was well enough, but the thought didn’t make Dom feel any better. Isaac was right, in some ways he would always belong to him and would never be free. Putting Isaac behind bars wouldn't change that. 

The curtains around his bed opened slightly and Lofty’s familiar figure stumbled in. He pushed the curtains closed behind him and seemed surprised to find Dom watching him.

“I thought you might still be awake,” said Lofty softly. He slipped into the chair next to Dom’s bed, and placed a bar of Cadbury’s chocolate on his tray table.

“Sacha only left half an hour ago,” said Dom. “And I’m not one hundred percent sure he’s gone home. There’s snoring coming from bed seven that sounds suspiciously like him.”

Lofty frowned. “I’m pretty sure bed seven’s meant to be empty.”

Dom tried to roll his eyes, but it hurt his head to do so.

“I just wanted to check you were alright,” said Lofty awkwardly. “Well as alright as you can be given the circumstances.”

“I wasn’t the one he tried to kill,” stated Dom.

Lofty shrugged as if it was nothing. “You stopped him in the end.”

“Only just,” said Dom. It hurt to even think about what could have happened to Lofty. “I nearly got you killed.”

“You didn’t nearly do anything,” said Lofty, frowning. “That was all Isaac.”

“No,” said Dom. “Not all of it was. I knew how volatile Isaac was and yet I still continued whatever this was between us. And I did that because I’m not a good person, Lofty. I’m selfish and I don’t think about how my actions will affect others. I put you in danger and he forced me to kiss you against your will and I won’t ever be able to forgive myself for what’s happened.”

“Dom,” said Lofty, seeming to know what was about to come out of Dom’s mouth. 

“I don’t think we should be friends anymore,” stated Dom, not looking at him. “And if you care about me as much as you say you do, then you will respect that decision.”

“Dom,” repeated Lofty, his face full of sadness.

“Please,” said Dom, knowing he would back down if Lofty put up any more of a fight. And he couldn't let that happen, he needed to protect and keep him safe. “I haven’t got the energy to argue with you. I want you to go." 

Lofty opened and closed his mouth, before looking completely resided and miserable. He stood up and crossed the room, before pausing at the place where the curtains met. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. And then he was gone.

 

 

 


	6. Peanut butter cups and Chinese food

“Are you sure about this?” Zosia asked. She was holding his arm, gently, and playing the part of quiet seductress, flirting in her enigmatic way. It was entertaining to watch.

“No,” Dom told her, honestly. He hadn’t been sure of anything since before Arthur died. “This grown up stuff is hard, isn’t it?”

Zosia pulled a face. “Way too hard to be fair,” she said. “But we can hang out, go on the pull, eat pizza in bed…”

“Pretend we’re living in a nineties rom-com,” Dom suggested, “eat raw cookie dough and somehow still look our gorgeous slim selves?”

“Sounds good to me,” said Zosia.

Dom smiled, “Well, that’s not how it works, darling, as you well know.”

“Well, I don’t see why not,” Zosia replied.

It had been a year. A year of late night crying in Zosia’s arms, of dates with random guys who he never saw twice, of working in a hospital he didn’t care about, in a system that filled him with fury at its injustice, of alcohol and parties and counselling sessions. A year of shoving thoughts of Lofty out of his head as though they poisoned him.

He had cried when Zosia had phoned. It had been on Sacha’s mobile, because Isaac had blocked her number on Dom's without his knowledge. She’d been trying for months. He’d run to her, her small flat near the university, because it was far away from temptation. The temptation to jump on Lofty, the temptation to go to the police and tell them he had made a mistake and that Isaac was innocent, the temptation to do something stupid like hurt himself. Here, with Zosia, he could breathe. He could go where he wanted without fear of seeing that particular beautiful nurse.

It had been an empty and soul destroying year. Even Zosia’s presence had not filled the gaping holes in Dom’s life, and though he would never say as much, just by being there, she reminded him that there should have been three of them. Even in a different country, Arthur’s absence was heavy on their shoulders.

And a year was enough. He didn’t want to stay here, in this country where they spoke the same language but everything was different. So he was flying home. And his body was vibrating with anxiety. He didn’t know what he would find. He hadn’t communicated with anyone from Holby since Hanssen had agreed to his sabbatical and placement. Not a word with Sacha or anyone. He hoped they would have understood.

“Are you sure?” Zosia asked again. “Really, there’s no rule that it has to be a year. I mean, I always thought thirteen months had a nice ring to it. Maybe even fourteen…”

“I can’t hide forever,” Dom told her.

“Not forever,” said Zosia. “Just until we die. It’ll only be another seventy years at most.”

“Excuse you, I’m living to a hundred and twenty,” said Dom.

“Well, I’ll let you go at ninety-seven,” said Zosia. “As soon as you can’t get things from the top shelf, I’ll let you go home.”

“You’re about a half inch shorter than me,” Dom pointed out. “And you’re taller than me in heels.”

“Well, until you’re too frail to stand on a chair for me, then,” Zosia amended, airily. “You could just stay, Dom.”

He agreed. He could just stay in America for the rest of his life. There were plenty of men, so many men, and plenty of clubs and plenty of opportunities. But there was something missing.

“I have to go home, Zosh,” he said. “You know I do.”

“Because of one nurse,” she said.

“No,” Dom protested.

“Oh yes, and your career and your mum and…”

“And my other friends, and … Zosh, it’s my home,” he sighed, “and my VISA.”

“VISA, shmisa,” Zosia sneered.

“I’ve got to go, Zosh,” he replied.

He really did. They’d already arrived at the airport. He had dropped off his suitcase. He was about to go through security.

He enveloped Zosia in a hug. He was going to miss her terribly, but there was a face haunting his dreams.

“You call me every day,” Zosia instructed. “And you don’t date anyone until I’ve completed a thorough background check and contacted numerous references, both personal and professional.”

“Yes sir,” Dom replied with a mock salute.

“And you must not, under any circumstances, even if it will bring the end of the world, forget to send me monthly supply of decent chocolate,” said Zosia.

Dom smiled. “I promise,” he said, and held out his little finger. Zosia grasped it with hers, then threw her arms around his neck for another hug.

The flight home was too long and too short at the same time. He forced himself to think about his Mum, because if he thought about his career he’d think about the hospital and he’d think about the staff and he couldn’t let himself do that just yet. There were too many unknowns.

The flight landed early evening on Friday. He had the weekend to unpack before he started back on Keller. After a year sharing with Zosia, it was strange to be alone in the space. The flat felt huge and empty.

Apparently, his mother was telepathic and turned up to ‘help him settle in’. He regretted every feeling of loneliness he’d indulged in within three minutes of her arrival. Her chirpy tales of friends and family were warm and funny, and approximately eighty percent fiction. They also had a heart to heart about Isaac that was long overdue.

He emerged from the weekend with a persistent headache and a tenuous grip on reality. He arrived at work early.

Lofty was early too.

Dom watched from a hire car as Lofty stood outside the doors in an attempt to look casual. It had been a year, but Lofty was the same; his hair a mass of curls, his stance neither assertive nor passive but somehow just perfect. Dom didn’t dare get out of the car. What would he say? Should he apologise again, for what had happened with Isaac? Should he try to kiss him? Should he ask him out? Should he apologise for kissing him? Should he explain why he’d not called for over a year? Should he apologise for running away? Should he offer to buy him coffee?

He hadn’t decided which he should go for when the question became moot. Lofty suddenly stood taller, and more alert. Dom realised he was waiting for someone. And that someone wasn’t Dom. It was a young woman with beautiful black hair, who was perfectly made up and smiling brightly at Lofty with a familiar look of adoration that Dom knew so well. It seemed a lot had changed in a year.

Dom put his face in his hands, unable to watch the two. He didn’t know what he’d expected, maybe for Lofty to stay exactly how he was and to be single. Yes, it was hypocritical because Dom had dated and slept with other men during his time away, but none of them had mattered or smiled at him in the way Lofty was smiling at that woman. The men Dom had dated had all been pretty meaningless and their sole purpose was to put Isaac and Lofty out of his head. Like the injuries on his body, the memories of Isaac had become less like gaping wounds and more like scars, fading with time. The memories of Lofty, however, hadn’t been that easy to expel. At some point during all the sorry mess a year ago, Dom had fallen in love with him. And he hoped maybe there was a chance that Lofty had in some way felt the same. But too much time had passed, and it was foolish to have expected Lofty to wait for him when they hadn’t even parted as friends.

When Dom looked again, Lofty and the woman had gone. He was alone. Dom had lost whatever nerve he’d built up and got out of his car and walked in the opposite direction to Holby’s entrance. He found himself in front of Arthur’s plaque, tracing his fingers along his name.

“I bet you’d love this,” said Dom. “Me, hiding out here from some nurse whilst talking like a mad man to your plaque."

He received no reply and hadn’t really expected one.

“And then there was one,” stated Dom sadly. “I better go greet my adoring fans, before Hanssen sends out a search party.”

Dom walked up the front steps and went straight through the doors, he tried to look as carefree and confident as possible but his heart was beating like a drum against his chest. He kept putting one foot in front of the other and managed to avoid anyone he knew on the way to Hanssen’s office, although he’d had to duck behind a confused porter when he’d spotted Morven.

Finally, he was stood in front of Hanssen’s door, and braced himself before he knocked.

“Enter.”

Dom stepped into Hanssen’s office and was rewarded with a rare smile.

“Ah, Mr Copeland,” said Hanssen. “It’s good to see you. I trust your placement in America proved to be beneficial and informative?”

“Yes,” said Dom, feeling suddenly nervous under his gaze. “Thank you for arranging it.”

“Mr Levy should be down to collect you soon,” stated Hanssen. “Please spend your first week catching up with anything you may have missed whilst away and updating yourself with all appropriate policies and procedures. A decision will be made by Mr Levy on when you will be cleared to return to theatre. Although all the reports we have received from America have come with glowing recommendations.”

“I knew that one hundred dollars I slipped to Mr Monroe was worth it,” joked Dom, before shrivelling a little under Hanssen’s serious gaze.

“Just remember my door is always open, should you need someone to talk to,” said Hanssen, as if he hadn’t heard Dom’s joke.

There was a knock at the door and Dom stared at it expectantly, knowing Sacha would be on the other side and he felt sick. The sound of something hitting the floor caused Dom to turn back to Hanssen; it seemed a pile of files had flown off his desk on their own accord.

“I must get this desk fixed,” said Hanssen, with a frown. “Things seem to fall off it all the time.”

Dom couldn’t help but smile, his mind immediately going back to Arthur.

“Better not keep Mr Levy waiting,” said Hanssen, as he began to pick up the folders.

Dom took that as he cue to leave. 

*

When Dom had imagined his reunion with Sacha, he certainly hadn’t envisioned this. The older man was striding up the corridor that led from Hanssen’s office and Dom was struggling to keep up with him. He had barely even said hello to Dom before indicating for him to follow and seemed to be in an unusually dark mood.

“Sacha, stop,” breathed out Dom.

Sacha came to an angry halt and Dom ploughed straight into him.

“Jesus,” said Dom. “Did you hire the Terminator to be your personal trainer while I was away?”

Sacha crossed his arms over his brightly patterned chest, a frown on his usual jolly face. “One year.”

Dom was confused.

“One year without so much as a phone call, email, text or even a postcard,” stated Sacha, unable to disguise the hurt in his voice. “I had to email Zosia every week to find out if you were okay. Just a text every once in a while would have been enough.”

Dom felt a stab of shame in his chest. “I’m sorry.”

Sacha shrugged, although from experience Dom knew Sacha could never stay angry for very long, it wasn’t in his nature.

“I truly am,” said Dom. “I just needed some time where I could just be me again and a place where nobody knew me and I didn’t have to think about everything that had happened. And America was good for that.”

Sacha made a noise, but his resolve seemed to already be wavering. Dom saw it as an opportunity and took his backpack off his shoulder and pulled out something that was inside.

“I brought you back a keyring,” said Dom, doing his best ‘I’m sorry’ face as he passed it to Sacha.

“It’s going to take more than a key ring,” said Sacha, although he was looking at it with great interest. 

It was then Dom decided to go all out. He passed Sacha a bag of Reese's Peanut Butter cups. The older Doctor looked at the chocolate and then at Dom. He shoved the bag into his scrub pocket, before he grabbed Dom and pulled him into a hug.

“I could never stay angry at you for long,” said Sacha, his arms bear like around Dom's body. "I've missed you." 

“I…can tell,” Dom choked out. “Can’t…breathe…”

Sacha pulled away, looking a little embarrassed as if he hadn't expected that kind reaction from himself. "I'm still mad at you," said Sacha, trying to regain some kind of composure. Although there was no heat behind the words and he had real tears in his eyes as he looked Dom up and down. 

"You have a funny way of showing it," said Dom. 

"Shut up before I give you that key-ring back," said Sacha, but for the first time he was smiling.

Dom found himself smiling back at him.

“Well, you’ll be on the ward today, mostly, until you get back up to speed,” Sacha told him. “Everyone’s looking forward to seeing you. And we’ve a new F1 called Meena who I’ll have to introduce you to.”

“Pretty? Dark hair?” Dom asked.

“Yes,” said Sacha. “Did you meet her already?”

“No, I just saw her,” said Dom, quietly. “Walking in.”

“Right,” said Sacha, “She’s made a good start. It will be nice for you to have someone to guide. A mini-you to help train.”

“Oh,” Dom replied. He had not prepared for this. He shivered at the idea of being a mentor to Lofty’s new partner.

“Problem?” Sacha asked, his usual jovial, uncomplicated self.

Dom rushed to answer, “No, I just don’t know if I’m ready for students.”

Sacha gave him a look of kind understanding. “Well, there’s no hurry,” he said.

Dom smiled, hoping he looked nervously sweet rather than pathetically cowardly.

Essie jumped up excitedly to see him. She had not saved him a telling off, like Sacha had, but just seemed genuinely pleased to see him. She demanded gossip, to be told how Zosia was, she told him about her burgeoning relationship with Raf, about the staff changes, about comings and goings, all before they’d even reached the first patient.

Dom’s eyes had been flickering about the room. He knew what they were looking for, though he tried to pretend to be focused on Essie. He spotted Lofty from a distance. The nurse was chatting animatedly to a patient. Dom knew without needing to hear the words that he would be putting the woman at ease, smiling that smile that invited you in, that made you think you were special, when in fact he was only really after a twenty-five year old tiny woman.

He glowered. Lofty looked up at that moment, smile still lingering from his conversation with the patient, and caught the look. The smile fled his face, and was replaced with a look of surprise. Dom wasn’t going to take back a look, even if it were possible, so he kept it up. He didn’t make eye contact with Lofty unless he’d schooled his face into an unwelcoming look.

Eventually a patient needed emergency intervention, and Dom found himself working beside Lofty. It was easy, as though there had never been a year away and never been an Isaac. It was just urgent and business like. When it was over, they were left side by side in silence.

There was an everlasting moment when Dom imagined ways of greeting Lofty, once again. Kisses or kindness or a joke, or… something. He could feel the warmth of Lofty’s body so close to his own, tempting and welcoming, like a fire in a storm. But Meena Chowdhury entered the ward, just in Dom’s line of sight. She smiled at them.

Lofty turned to him, “It’s g…”

Dom walked away.

Later he saw Lofty and Essie talking. Essie gave Dom a disappointed look. Dom ignored them both and took a patient for a scan, then made himself exceedingly busy with an abscess, then made himself very busy with a lot of paperwork. He even met his mother for lunch. He never did that.

Avoidance didn’t work. Essie cornered him in the break room towards the end of the shift. He should have resisted that mid-afternoon cup of tea.

“So,” she said, “I’ve noticed something.”

“That Sacha’s taste in shirts is a mental illness hitherto unknown to medical science?” Dom suggested.

“No,” Essie said, giving him exactly the glare his comment deserved, “I’ve noticed that there’s someone you haven’t said hello to.”

“Well, I did a general wave to the ward,” said Dom, “I was hoping that would count.”

“Stop it,” Essie scolded. “You know exactly who I’m talking about and you know you’ve been avoiding him. I want to know, what’s up with that?”

“I haven’t been avoiding anyone,” Dom lied. “Except maybe you.”

Essie shook her head, as though he was a child she was telling off.

“Leave it, Essie,” he snapped, irritated.

“Okay,” she said, stepping back, “If you want to make yourself unhappy, who am I to get in the way?”

Dom scowled, annoyed that he was getting the blame. It wasn’t his fault Lofty had moved on. He’d spotted Lofty stepping in to help Meena out so she didn’t get into trouble. He didn’t do jealousy. He’d spent enough time on that with Isaac. If Lofty wanted someone else, Dom was not going to stand in his way.

He made a beeline for Sacha’s office, knowing the consultant would be in surgery and hoping he could just hide there for the rest of his shift, in the company of nothing more scary than the shift rota. He hadn’t thought through the escape routes.

Lofty knocked and came in without waiting for Dom to find an excuse. Dom told him off.

“I’m sorry,” said Lofty, “I was going to wait until after the shift, but I’ve got this sneaky suspicion you would run away before I could.”

Dom couldn’t admit that Lofty was right, but saying he was wrong seemed juvenile, unless he could be very acidic as he did so.

“I am very busy, Nurse Chiltern, is there something you want?”

Lofty folded his arms, apparently completely uninjured by Dom’s unkind tone and cold words. “Yes, actually,” he said, “I didn’t expect us to jump back to the intensity that existed between us before, but I did think we were friends. I thought a year apart wouldn’t change that.”

“Yes, well, there have been a few changes in a year, haven’t there?” Dom grumbled without thinking.

“Have there?” Lofty asked, as though surprised.

Dom felt his face flush pink. “I just mean that we’re different now. Things change. People change.”

“I don’t,” said Lofty. “I mean, I try to learn stuff, but I don’t think I’ve changed in the ways that matter.”

Dom sighed, knowing he’d messed up this conversation. There was no way he was escaping with his dignity intact.

“Look, Lofty,” he started. “I was just taken by surprised. It wasn’t reasonable, of course you’ve moved on, I’ve moved on. But it still … took me by surprise.”

“What do you mean?” Lofty asked.

“I mean… I won’t stand in the way,” Dom said. “You can carry on with… whatever. I’ll stay out of the way.”

“Out of the way of what?” Lofty asked. “What are you talking about?”

Dom sighed, ran a tired hand through his hair. “I’m pleased for you, Lofty,” he said. “Really. She’s very pretty. Bit obsessed with makeup, but you’re pretty patient, so I think you’ll…”

“Wait, who are you talking about?” Lofty asked. “Do you think I’m seeing someone?”

Dom blinked. He recognised that phrasing. “I saw you this morning, waiting for Meena.”

Lofty looked thoughtful for a moment. “She only started last week, and she didn’t know where a few things were, so I said I’d show her before our shift started.”

Dom had to push down his hope. “You’re not… seeing her?”

Lofty smiled. “Were you jealous?”

“No,” Dom lied.

“Were you?” Lofty repeated, almost bouncing like a happy puppy.

“I don’t do jealous,” lied Dom.

“Do you…” Lofty started, nervously, “want… um…”

He’d started so well, Dom thought, until he’d lost confidence.

Lofty scratched his head.

“Do I want to … what?” Dom prompted, cheekily.

“Um…” said Lofty.

Dom smiled. “Yes,” he said.

“Yes?” Lofty repeated, stupidly, and endearingly.

“Yes,” said Dom, “I’ll …. Um.”

“You’ll um?” repeated Lofty. “What?”

“Well, I’d assumed you were asking me out,” said Dom.

Lofty refolded his arms, “Well, that’s very presumptuous of you,” he said.

“Is it?” said Dom.

“Yeah, I could have been asking you for drinks with the gang.”

“Were you?” Dom asked.

“Well, I…”

Dom stood up, walked around the desk, got closer to Lofty.

“No,” said Lofty.

“Good,” said Dom. “Where are you taking me?”

“Um, Albie’s?” said Lofty.

Dom smiled. “Slow?”

Lofty nodded. “Slow,” he agreed.

“Sounds good,” Dom agreed.

He leaned forward, put a hand on Lofty’s shoulder.  Lofty met his eyes, and said, deliberately, “Slow.”

“Slow,” Dom repeated.

Lofty smiled and left the room.

Dom bit his lip. He would not call Zosia and behave like some school girl who had just been asked out by their crush. Already his hand was in his pocket, reaching for his mobile. Sod it. At least Zosia wouldn't judge him...much. 

*

Dom officially hated his friends. He fixed each one with a separate dirty look, going around the table, but none of them seemed to have noticed or had any idea they were gate crashing his possible date with Lofty. He had only managed to have around two minutes alone with the nurse in Albie’s, which had consisted of going to the bar and ordering a drink, before a motley crew of Sacha, Essie, Fletch and Raf had come through the doors and joined them.

Dom had made several polite and then not so polite hints that he wanted them to bugger off, but with the alcohol freely flowing no one seemed to have gotten the message. Instead of losing members, the group had now grown in size to include some of the AAU lot and Oliver bloody Valentine.

Dom seemed to be getting further and further away from Lofty as more chairs joined their table and people bombarded him with questions about how he’d been and America. Currently Morven was sat on his chair arm with her arm around his shoulders, whilst Lofty was engaged in conversation with Oliver. When had those two become friends? It was the least likely friendship ever.

“He helped to treat Lofty’s gran,” said Morven, as she followed Dom’s confused gaze.

“Sorry?” asked Dom, trying to act as if he hadn’t been caught staring at Lofty.

“Oliver and Lofty,” replied Morven. “His gran was admitted a few months ago. She had a stint on CT and got on really well with Oliver. Lofty was up there quite a bit and the two of them just clicked and became mates after.”

“Weird,” stated Dom, as Lofty laughed at something Oliver had said. “It’s like putting cheese and chocolate together.”

“Lofty takes Oliver to gigs and Oliver takes him to the theatre,” said Morven. “I think they’re trying to educate each other.”

“How very My Fair Lady of them,” stated Dom, sneaking another glance at Lofty. This time Lofty noticed and caught Dom’s eye and smiled.

“Well they have more in common than you think,” stated Essie, as she joined in the conversation. She was on her fifth glass of wine. “Both of them had the person they were in love with bugger off to America without a second thought.”

Morven looked confused. “Lofty is in love with someone who buggered off to America? I never knew about this.”

Dom abruptly stood up. He really couldn’t bear to hear the rest of this conversation. He may be in love Lofty but Lofty wasn’t in love him and it hurt when people suggested otherwise. It filled him with false hope that was bound to be crushed eventually. How could Lofty love him? He’d left him for a year and before that hurt him deeply. Yes, perhaps Lofty may have feelings for him but they’d probably fade when he got to know the real Dom over the coming weeks. Lofty liked to fix broken and vulnerable people, but Dom wasn’t that broken or vulnerable anymore now Isaac was gone.

“I think I’m going to go call Zosia. I’ll be back in a minute.”

He fled Albie’s and nobody tried to stop him, obviously believing his lie. His lungs felt tight and as Dom stepped outside he finally felt as if he could breathe properly again. He hadn’t realised how stuffy and small it had felt inside Albie’s, like the walls were closing in on him. And all at once it dawned on him that the last time he’d been there was when Isaac had slammed his hand into a car door. Dom began to shake and grappled to regain control over his breathing like the counsellor had taught him. That was a year ago and Isaac was in prison and Dom refused to be his victim anymore. It was just a memory and memories couldn’t hurt you.

He swallowed hard and decided he wasn’t going to go back inside. Whatever was going on tonight with him and Lofty wasn’t a date. Dom must have got it wrong. Dates didn’t involve nearly ten other people. He started to head towards the taxi rank, but was startled when a hand reached out and touched his shoulder. Dom twisted round ready to defend himself, but found it was just Lofty.

“Where are you going?” asked the nurse, a frown on his face.

“Home,” replied Dom. “I think I’m still a bit jetlagged.”

“Oh,” said Lofty, biting his lip.

“Some of us need our beauty sleep.”

“Listen, I’m sorry about all that in there,” said Lofty. “I didn’t realise that everyone would be there, I thought maybe we could…talk or something. But I guess it didn’t work out that way. I should have realised that everyone would want to see you.”

Dom rewarded him with a wry smile. “Yes and unfortunately there’s only so much Dominic Copeland to go around.” He started to walk towards the taxi rank again and Lofty followed.

“Are you talking about yourself in third person?” asked Lofty, finally smiling.

“Yes,” said Dom, internally cursing himself for it. “And I think it’s time for him to go home and head straight to bed.” Somewhere in America Zosia was probably laughing into some exotic cocktail at how boring he had become.

“Can Lofty go with him?” asked Lofty innocently, obviously trying to play along, before realising exactly what he had just said. He turned bright red and missed his footing, stumbling and barely managing to stay upright. “I didn’t mean it like that…I meant…I just wanted…you know…to spend more time with you.”

“How about we go back to mine and get a take away?” suggested Dom.

Lofty’s face lit up with happiness. “If you’re not too tired.”

“I’ve got a year’s worth of Bargain Hunt to catch up on,” replied Dom. “So as long as you’re alright to watch it with me.”

“I’d love to,” said Lofty, perhaps a little too enthusiastically.

“Alright then,” said Dom, his mouth a little dry. A part of him cursed the agreement to take things slow that the two of them had made earlier, because watching Bargain Hunt was the last thing on his mind at that moment in time.

*

Lofty lounged on Dom’s sofa as if he lived there. With Lofty in it, his new flat felt more like a home than a hastily chosen flat with half empty boxes littered all over it. They were both flopped on the sofa in front of the television with a number of empty plastic tubs that previously had Chinese food in them. It amazed Dom how comfortable Lofty looked compared to how he’d been when he’d visited Dom at the place he’d shared with Isaac. Once again Lofty saw Dom was looking at him and smiled warmly. Dom desperately wanted to kiss him, but knew he shouldn’t.

“I’ve missed this,” said Dom. There was a moment of internal horror as he realised he’d said it out loud, instead of inside his own head.

“Me too,” said Lofty softly. “I wish we hadn’t left things the way we did before you went to America." 

Because Lofty was clearly incapable of passive aggression, Dom knew those words weren’t designed to hurt him. But they did prompt him.

“I had to go,” he said. “If I’d stayed, you would have felt obliged to be part of my life.”

“I was never obliged, Dom…” Lofty interrupted.

“Maybe, not at first, but you’re too good to just have left me alone, even if you wanted to. I had to go to make sure it was real.”

Lofty blinked at him, like he was thinking through the words, looking for a hidden meaning. “And, you stayed so long because you decided it wasn’t real?”

Dom frowned, met Lofty’s eyes, questioningly, “Do you think it’s not real?”

Lofty looked away. “I don’t want to put pressure on you, Dom,” he said.

“No!” Dom cried, “We talked about this already, and we know we want each other! Stop making me question that!”

“I’m sorry,” said Lofty “I just want to understand.”

Dom nodded. “I stayed away because my feelings didn’t change,” he said. “I kept expecting them to. I tried dating other people, I tried not thinking about you, I tried anything that might get you out of my head, but you just kept yourself stuck in there. You’re very stubborn that way.”

Lofty smiled, genuinely touched. Dom liked that about Lofty. If you complimented Lofty, he would always take it to heart. If you insulted him, he would not notice. It was like there was a force field of positivity around him, and only good thoughts could get through.

“I’m sorry,” said Dom, “I’m still struggling with stuff. Isaac had me believing I was ...”

What? What had Isaac made him believe that wasn’t true? He was nasty and petty minded, he was shallow and childish, he was selfish and thoughtless. What had Isaac done that Dom hadn’t deserved?

“Hey,” Lofty interrupted his thoughts, that spiralling, tumbling descent into despair. His kind face pulled Dom out of the pit. The warmth was a lifeline. The eyes seemed like stars that lifted Dom to greet them. There was no hyperbole when trying to describe Lofty’s beauty. His whole being was more beautiful than anything Dom had ever experienced. 

“Whatever he told you, however he made you feel, it wasn’t about you,” Lofty told him, “he brought you down to make himself seem better. He had nothing real to offer you, so he took from you until you were desperate for anything, but it was him who was worthless. Never you. Do you think Arthur would have loved you if you were worthless? Or Sacha? Or Mr Hanssen? Essie? Zosia?”

Dom smiled, sadly. He wished he had Lofty’s power of accepting compliments and not hearing insults. He found it far easier to do the opposite. So much of him was willing to believe the bad things and assume anyone who seemed to liking was only pretending, because that’s what people do. All his friends were people he worked with, who had to get on with him.

“Dom!” Lofty protested. “So many people love you! Because you’re great.”

“Lofty,” Dom complained, because how was he supposed to resist that face saying those words and the nurse was being totally unfair.

“It’s true,” said Lofty. “I’m a very bad liar.”

Dom smiled again. “I’m sorry, I come with all this baggage.”

Lofty merely shrugged, “So does everyone,” he said. 

“You could have anyone you wanted,” Dom said. “Seriously, anyone.”

“No more than you,” Lofty argued. “And I’ve already chosen you, so that’s not really an argument.”

The door to the spare bedroom opened. A middle aged woman in a onesie appeared in the doorway. 

“Oh,” said Dom. “My mother’s here.”

Lofty sat up, surprised. Dom’s Mum squeaked. 

“Oh, Dazzle,” she cried.

“Mum, this is Lofty, Lofty this is Carol,” Dom said. 

“Lofty?” Carol repeated. “Lovely to meet you, Lofty.” She grinned happily.

“Pleased to meet you,” said Lofty, smiling. Uncomplicated. No quietly manipulative attempt to undermine or humiliate. He looked genuine.

Carol looked between them with a “So, are you two…” She looked like a child investigating the biscuit tin.

“Mum!” Dom scolded.

“What?” Carol cried. “I’m just asking!”

“I’ve only just got back from America,” Dom reminded her.

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with being ready for a new adventure,” said Carol, still grinning, still happy, still excited.

“Mum!” Dom complained.

“Alright!” Carol exclaimed, “I’m popping to the little girls room, then I’ll be out of your way.”

“Well, hurry up,” Dom instructed her.

She didn’t hurry, though she did do a pantomime of hurrying, which was nothing like as good.

“I’m sorry,” Dom told Lofty, as soon as she was in the loo.

“Don’t be silly,” Lofty replied. 

“She doesn’t live here,” Dom hurried to tell him, “She just wanted to see me. And tidy my flat.”

“It’s fine,” said Lofty, “even if she did live here. It wouldn’t change anything.”

Dom took Lofty’s hand. “I don’t deserve you.”

Lofty scowled, “I thought we went over that already,” he said.

“I mean, you’re brilliant,” Dom explained. “Can I kiss you now?”

Lofty grinned. “I thought you’d just go for it.”

“Oh, I will do, normally,” said Dom. He shut his brain on thoughts of their last kiss.

“Normally?” Lofty repeated.

“After the first one, I’ll just kiss you when I feel like it,” Dom explained.

“Good,” said Lofty.

“Good,” Dom agreed.

Their faces had got closer together, and Dom took the chance, and closed the gap, pressing his lifts against Lofty’s. Lofty reciprocated, his lips moving gently against Dom’s, then more urgently. Dom felt alive, flooded with hope and joy.

The bathroom door opened.

“Sorry, sorry!” said Carol. “It’s only me!”

Dom pulled away, and put his hands in his head. “Well who else would it be?” he muttered.

Lofty laughed.

“I’m going, I’m going,” Carol told them, and she was. She tiptoed back into the guest room, then turned back to them. “I’m really pleased for you. You seem really nice, Lofty.”

“Thank you, Mrs Copeland,” said Lofty.

The door to the guest room shut, and Dom and Lofty fell about laughing.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)


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